Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Today Show apologized for allowing Kris Jenner to discuss her breast implants instead of airing a September 11th observance. Protesters might burn NBC Burbank to the ground. Apologizing for increased breast size is considered blasphemy in Los Angeles.
The University of Amsterdam released a study proving that sexual activity promotes brain growth and adds intelligence. It concluded that sex makes you smarter. We will never know if alcohol makes you stupid because by two in the morning, you’re smart again.
Kate Middleton was photographed topless at a pool in a French home last week. The week before, Prince Philip was snapped naked under his kilt, then there were the Prince Harry photos. Britain’s bringing back colonialism and they’re starting with a nudist colony.
Ann Romney told a TV show Friday when she was a White House guest five years ago she accidentally walked in on George W. Bush getting a massage. She laughed and said he had a towel over him. As long as John Travolta wasn’t the masseur, it’s just a one-day story.
Monica Lewinsky was reported Friday to be shopping a book and ending her silence about her affair with Bill Clinton. Everyone’s waiting for the audiobook version. Monica Lewinsky is sure to produce the most successful oral history since Studs Terkel died.
Pope Benedict arrived in Lebanon Friday amid Mideast embassy attacks. It was ever thus. Be it saving the Euro, or quelling Muslim outrage, or suppressing soccer riots, the world instinctively turns to the Germans to knock a few heads together and restore order.
Muslim protesters attacked the U.S. Embassy in Beirut Friday where they burned the nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. How disheartening. It was bad enough that these terrorists burned our flag, now they’re going to be able to get into their skinny jeans.
President Obama skipped a CIA briefing Monday for a Miami radio interview with the deejay, Pimp with the Limp. No problem. The CIA will start feeding the classified briefing directly to the Pimp with the Limp, then he can pass it on to Obama during the commercial breaks.
Barack Obama will attend a fundraiser held by actor Jonathan Goldsmith, who plays The Most Interesting Man in the World on Dos Equis beer commercials. All the ads have to be re-shot. Now he says he doesn’t always drink, but when he does, he drinks the Kool-Aid.
L.A. filmmaker Sam Bacile hid Friday after his trailer incited Muslims with his ridicule of the Prophet Mohammed. It’s a huge cultural divide. Muslims try to explain their fanatic devotion to the Prophet Mohammed by comparing it to college football in America.
The Kansas objections board considered a motion on Friday to keep Barack Obama’s name off the ballot. It’s not only over an objection to his birth certificate. Last year when Barack Obama said he’s evolved on gay marriage, he forgot that Kansas banned evolution.
The International Cycling Union proposed offering pardons to bicyclists who’ll come forward and admit they once did drugs. The offer of the pardon was extremely popular. The next day two hundred million Americans came forward claiming to have been bicyclists.
The Texas legislature sent out letters to voters Friday asking them to confirm that they are alive in order to clean up voter rolls. It’s a win-win. Anyone who writes them back and says they are dead loses their right to vote, but it does get the IRS off their backs.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.18.12

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