Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama sat down with David Letterman on CBS Tuesday. They were told to sit up straight. In America you are free to cross your legs on camera, but if you show the bottom of your shoe to any Muslim viewers, the video could start a revolution in Khartoum.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers knocked down Eli Manning Sunday when he knelt down on the last play of the game. The defense thought he was ridiculing Tim Tebow. The video of this incident could cause evangelical protesters to set fire to the Yankee consulate.
The Justice Department sued a California bank for refusing to make loans to people with no money. The bank agreed to pay nine hundred grand to community groups. The cash can be used for anything except to teach people to make their payments on time.
France published topless photos of Kate Middleton as she sunbathed with William at a chateau in France. How low. God made France the most beautiful country in the world, but he knew people would be jealous, so to make things even he created the French.
New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices reach one hundred dollars a barrel on Monday. Even the oil-producing states are suffering. Gasoline prices are so high in Houston that Lance Armstrong and Roger Clemens were seen carrying their cars Saturday.
Bill Murray got top reviews playing FDR in the movie Hyde Park on Hudson. FDR was wheelchair-bound, Jack Kennedy had a curved spine, while Bill Clinton stood straight up. If you put all the adulterous presidents in a row, they’d look just like an evolutionary chart.
The New York Post reported that Lindsay Lohan has been dropped from the role of John Gotti’s wife in a movie about the late Mafia don. The reasoning was very simple. Mobsters don’t like shoplifters — when a jewelry store pays for protection they should get it.
Guyana cops found a suitcase stuffed with cocaine on board a New York-bound flight from South America. They gave themselves away. Last week the flight arrived in New York two hours ahead of schedule because the suitcase was packed in the nose of the plane.
U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice claimed the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya was a spontaneous reaction to a video. The protesters just happened to be carrying their rocket launchers on September 11th when they felt insulted over a video released on YouTube in June. That’s what the president told Rice, and as we know, rice goes with anything.
President Obama praised America’s racial diversity at a speech he gave in Ohio last week. He pointed out he’s half-Kenyan and half-Irish. That means the odds are that if Barack Obama ever enters a drinking marathon, he’ll win it in two hours and five minutes.
Michelle Bachmann called on President Obama to cancel his David Letterman show interview and meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu instead. Obama had better be funny. Even Jimmy Carter didn’t answer a U.S. Embassy attack by bombing on Letterman.
New York Mayor Bloomberg passed a ban on the sale of large carbonated drinks. It’s impossible to double up your order. Last week a New Yorker tried to carry two drinks at once but scalded himself when he couldn’t get his middle finger free to answer a question.
Mitt Romney released TV ads Friday listing specific ways he’d improve the economy citing his business experience at Bain Capital. He can’t turn the country around the way he turned companies around. If Mitt Romney tries to sell off all the people in America who are unprofitable, he could face charges of human trafficking if he ever steps foot off U.S. soil.
Argus Hamilton is host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.19.12

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