Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NFL fans demanded the return of the refs Monday after watching a second weekend of chaos and un-policed cheap shots. The violence is out of control on the field. They have got to penalize teams more than five yards for making fun of the Prophet Mohammed.
The Royal Family sued the tabloid which published topless photos of Kate Middleton taken with a long-range camera lens. The public admires her. Thanks to Princess Kate, Mitt Romney and President Obama are no longer the only two boobs in the news every day.
U.S., British, Canadian and Australian newspapers refused to print the topless photos of Kate Middleton published in France. She’s very lucky. It didn’t cause any uproar in the Muslim world — because of the angle of the camera, you couldn’t see the bottom of her shoes.
U.S. embassy attacks erupted in Pakistan Monday as U.S. flags burned from Morocco all the way across to India. That’s a lot of smoke. President Obama is going to burn a bigger hole in the ozone with anti-American protests than two President Bushes did in three wars.
The Obama administration paid a PR firm a million dollars to lobby Hollywood TV shows to feature ObamaCare in their scripts. Hollywood is spooked about it. Andy Griffith did a TV commercial for ObamaCare and he’ll never work in show business again.
President Obama went on David Letterman’s show Tuesday followed by a fundraiser at rap star Jay-Z’s nightclub in New York. He loves the celebrity life. Next week he’s going to a chateau in France to sunbathe topless and get some free publicity in the French press.
Mitt Romney was taped last May saying forty-seven percent of people pay no income taxes and feel entitled to free stuff. He breached a self-esteem protocol. This all began when Lyndon Johnson signed a law requiring that everybody in Little League gets a trophy.
Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote a book about his affair with his maid Friday. The man has to be nuts. Mel Gibson’s three hundred million dollar divorce settlement just set a new world record, prompting Maria Shriver to say that records were meant to be broken.
The Chinese pandas at the Washington National Zoo gave birth to a baby panda this week thanks to artificial insemination. The procedure had to be privately funded. It never occurred to the authors of ObamaCare that somebody might want to get pregnant.
Mitt Romney promised the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce in California on Monday that he’d initiate a new trade agreement with Mexico. It needs overhaul. Today’s cocaine-for-machine-guns trade agreement has raised a lot of cash, but it takes too long to unroll it.
L.A. activists seeking to re-open medical pot stores in L.A. turned in one hundred thirty thousand signatures Monday to get the measure on the ballot in March. The county wants to verify all the signatures. There can’t be that many Cheech’s and Chong’s in Los Angeles.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.20.12

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