Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
CBS’s 60 Minutes held dueling interviews Sunday between the President of the United States and his GOP challenger. The two clearly don’t like each other. This week it was discovered that the Secret Service is using NFL replacement referees to guard Mitt Romney.
Homeland swept the Emmys Sunday about a CIA agent and a former POW suspected of being a terrorist mole. Both President Obama and Rush Limbaugh love the show. Defense contractors are trying to get it canceled because it could bring about world peace.
Willie Nelson hosted his annual Farm Aid concert this past weekend in Hershey. No cell phone cameras were allowed. Willie looks just enough like the Prophet Mohammed that one clip on YouTube could set off a third world war when he sings God Bless America.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will give a speech to the U.N. on Thursday. We know what to expect. Last year he condemned U.S. foreign policy and mocked Western values, and halfway through the speech the Academy Awards orchestra played him offstage.
PGA golfer Brandt Snedeker won at East Lake in Atlanta Sunday, pocketing the eleven million dollar FedEx Cup first prize. It took a lot of courage. They say that golf is not a contact sport but they win all that money in full view of their relatives and ex-girlfriends.
President Obama spoke in Milwaukee Tuesday in an arena with a lot of empty seats in it. The president was a lot more popular four years ago than now. Back then the motto was Hope and Change, and now it’s Come for the Free Health Care, Stay for the Guillotining.
The Space Shuttle Endeavour was flown into Los Angeles on top of a jumbo airliner on Friday. Millions looked up and saw it in the sky. It either looked like two geese who need to get a room, or it was the best impression of Romney’s dog any of us have ever seen.
Mitt Romney was accused by Democrats of upping his tax payments by not subtracting all his charity deductions. Imagine the opposition’s fury. Democrats say Mitt gave four million dollars to charity last year and all that money could have gone to helping the needy.
The Journal of Current Biology published a study Monday saying that castrated men live longer. The conclusion is based on a four-hundred-year study of Korean palace eunuchs. And to this day North Korea can’t keep their missiles up in the air longer than two minutes.
President Obama taped an interview on The View before his U.N. speech Tuesday. He needed to clarify what really caused the embassy attack in Libya. He was forced to admit that a video of a high school production of Fiddler on the Roof is not an anti-Muslim movie.
President Obama referred to Israel Sunday as one of our closest allies in the region, not our closest, and he called Netanyahu’s concerns noise. It set off alarms. This could cause Florida voters to agree with Paul Ryan that guarding Social Security isn’t everything.
Monica Lewinsky was reported Monday to have signed a twelve million dollar book deal with an unnamed publisher. It’s hard to believe, but she’s about to turn forty. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around on the floor of the Oval Office.
Congress adjourned without passing a budget Friday, leaving government operations at the mercy of periodic renewals of last year’s U.S. budget. It’s impossible to follow the money. For instance, we’ve budgeted the upcoming war with Iran under office supplies.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.26.12

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