Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen’s sitcom Anger Management added his father, Martin Sheen, to the cast of the show this year. Even the best comedies are improvable. Just last night the White House got a call from the NFL requesting Joe Biden’s measurements for a referee’s uniform.
The Green Bay Packers were robbed of a victory by NFL replacement refs on the last play Monday. The integrity of the game is under siege. They just hired a replacement ref to moderate the presidential debates to make sure that no one gambles on the outcome.
Mitt Romney campaigned with Jack Nicklaus at several stops in the state of Ohio this week. He has a simple deal with rich endorsers. You have to make three speeches for Mitt before he’ll tell you the name of the company that makes car elevators for your garage.
President Obama drew criticism on Tuesday for going on with the ladies of The View on ABC rather than meet world leaders at the U.N. He’s simply following in the tradition of FDR, JFK and Bill Clinton. A Democrat isn’t a Democrat unless he makes time for Whoopi.
President Obama gave a speech to the U.N. General Assembly Tuesday. He did not cite terrorism but blamed Mideast violence on an anti-Muslim video on YouTube. He’s acting like if he can get a billion Muslims to watch the video by Sunday he wins a free game.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared in his U.N. speech that Israel will be eliminated and has no roots in the Middle East. He was upset when officials wouldn’t allow him to visit Ground Zero. They didn’t want to tell him that it’ll visit him soon enough.
Syrian rebels set off seven bombs in a government military storage citadel Tuesday in Damascus. The country is due for a change. Whenever the U.S. and Britain install Mideast leaders, part of the factory warranty is that every forty years we rotate the tyrants.
Israel’s Benjamin Netanyahu tried to speak with President Obama at the U.N. Monday but was rebuffed. He tried another way that didn’t work. He put on suspenders and glasses and pretended to be Larry King so the president would think it was a softball interview.
Madonna campaigned onstage for Barack Obama during her concert in Washington D.C. Monday. She promised she will strip naked onstage if Obama gets re-elected. It just shows that Madonna is a secret Mitt Romney supporter, as is every rich person over fifty.
Times Square hosted National Plug-In Day to encourage Americans to drive electric cars to save energy. The event had poor timing. The same day, Toyota scrapped its new electric car because it does not become fully electrified until it smashes into the light pole.
Los Angeles petitioners put the legalization of medical pot stores on the March city ballot. What isn’t legal out here? When Baby Boomers heard about the huge success of Instagram we just assumed that medical cocaine was legal for home delivery in California.
Arnold Schwarzenegger discussed how his wife discovered his affair with his house maid Tuesday. The affair went on in the house, it lasted for ten years and they had a son who looks just like Arnold, and Maria never suspected a thing. She didn’t so much mind all the adultery but it ruined her reputation at NBC News as an investigative reporter
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.27.12

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