Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Mars Curiosity Rover beamed back video of smooth rocks in a ravine indicating a dried-up water bed on Mars Sunday. It resulted in a sensational find. The rover’s mechanical pick dug three feet below the surface and, sure enough, there was Jimmy Hoffa.
The Denver Air and Space Museum will be the site of tonight’s televised presidential debate. Both sides agreed to thirty-two pages of rules. They spell out the height of the lectern, the backdrop’s color, and state that all questions must have a ten-foot arc on them.
Tiger Woods failed to win a match the entire Ryder Cup as the U.S. team blew the lead and lost to the European team Sunday. It certainly won’t go down as Tiger’s fault. The reporters gave him a pass and blamed the Ryder Cup loss on his playing partner, Joe Biden.
The Ryder Cup was retained by Europe in a come-from-behind win over U.S. golfers in Chicago Sunday. The U.S. team was thrashed by six Britons, an Italian and a German. Barack Obama issued a statement blaming the anti-American violence on a YouTube video.
New York Jets owner Woody Johnson said Sunday it’s more important that Mitt Romney win this year than it is for the Jets to win the Super Bowl. It’s very puzzling he’d say that. The NFL owners share all their revenue equally and that’s all President Obama ever asked.
President Obama had practice debates in Las Vegas Monday prepping for tonight. He hasn’t faced tough questions in nearly four years. His press conferences are like worship services and every time a reporter expresses a doubt, the president ex-communicates him.
The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders designated Internet addiction as an official disease Monday. They called it a debilitating psychological disorder. It’s a stroke of genius this close to the election for the Democrats to replace two years of unemployment benefits with permanent disability payments for the entire population.
Arnold Schwarzenegger discussed his life on CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday as he promoted his autobiography, Total Recall, in bookstores today. That’s not all he was promoting on the show. Arnold still wore his wedding ring because it’s a proven housekeeper magnet.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.3.12

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