Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
MGM celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of the release of the first James Bond movie, Dr. No. The handsome spy drank, gambled, slept around, drove too fast and saved the world from communism. Imagine Mitt Romney if he converted to the Episcopalian Church.
Roseanne Barr made the presidential ballot in California along with her running mate Cindy Sheehan on the Freedom Party. The party lists itself as pro-marijuana and anti-evil. They’re sure to get the votes of people who would otherwise stab themselves with the pen.
Southern California gas stations had supply shortages from a power outage at Exxon Mobil’s refinery in Torrance. Prices neared five dollars a gallon. Even the people who pay for their gas with stolen credit cards are complaining out of sympathy for their victims.
The L.A. County Supervisors urged restaurants to reduce the size of food portions served to local customers. Obesity is costing Los Angeles County six billion dollars a year. Tourists who come to our beaches expecting to see Baywatch go into shock and need medical treatment.
President Obama was in Los Angeles Sunday for a fundraising concert featuring Katy Perry, Stevie Wonder and George Clooney. The Secret Service had its hands full. With gas prices at five dollars a gallon all the drivers were shooting at him instead of each other.
Mitt Romney apologized Friday for his remarks at a donor soiree criticizing forty-seven percent of Americans who get government checks. He said that was completely wrong. What rich white people say to each other in country club settings is very often wrong if it’s overheard.
Mitt Romney enjoyed a post-debate bounce in Ohio, Florida and Virginia in the polls Friday. His next task is to change America’s attitude on deficit spending. It’s looking more and more like planning our financial future on the Mayan Calendar wasn’t the best plan.
Mitt Romney rallies were infiltrated by protesters dressed as Big Bird who object to Mitt’s proposed cuts to PBS. Mitt Romney declared he likes Big Bird. Anybody who’s done as many fundraising dinners as these guys routinely says something nice about the chicken.
Charles Manson’s accomplice Bruce Davis was recommended for parole in California Friday. He’s been in state prison for forty years for killing a rock musician and an action movie stuntman. The parole board calculated they certainly would have been dead by now.
Daily Variety said the presidential debate generated a record ten million tweets. The iPhone is destroying attention spans. Winston Churchill would be unable to rally the world against Hitler today unless he could get it all in one hundred forty characters or less.
Germany’s far-right political party will hold a public screening of the anti-Muslim film Innocence of Muslims. It’s to challenge Germany’s anti-blasphemy laws. Germans miss the give-and-take of free speech they once enjoyed when they started two world wars with it.
Wall Street tycoon Paul Singer used a court ruling in Ghana to seize Argentina’s naval flagship in a Ghana port Thursday because the country owes him a billion dollars in defaulted bonds. Capitol Hill lawmakers panicked. Hedge fund managers are discovering that building their own navy is less expensive than paying off lobbyists in Washington D.C.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.9.12

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