Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Penn State’s former coach Jerry Sandusky was sentenced to thirty years in prison on Tuesday for sexually abusing ten boys during the last decade. An hour after hearing his sentence, Jerry Sandusky had to take off his Penn State jersey. His new one reads State Pen.
Los Angeles gas station prices hit five dollars a gallon on Tuesday. As an emergency measure the state approved the release of dirty gasoline in storage. Twenty years ago the dirty stuff was taken out of the gasoline in California and stored in network TV scripts.
Brazilian police arrested a politician for handing out cocaine hidden in her leaflets on Election Day. What a great idea. Why should politicians hand out walking-around money on election day when they can cut out the middle man and save everyone an errand?
Joe Biden took six days off campaigning this week in order to prepare for tonight’s debate with Paul Ryan in front of fifty million TV viewers. This didn’t fool anybody in Los Angeles. Plastic surgeons always tell you to rest for six days after a major procedure.
Mitt Romney leaped out to a five-point lead over President Obama in Tuesday’s Pew Poll. It showed an amazing sixteen percent swing of women voters in one week from Obama over to Romney. If there’s one thing that women love in this economy it’s a rich guy.
Mitt Romney laid out an aggressive Middle East policy in his speech to Virginia Military Academy cadets Monday. We only want what’s best for the region. Every American is praying for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy and cheaper gas.
President Obama returned to the campaign trail Tuesday after a three-day weekend of fundraising in California. There are signs his popularity is slipping out here. While he was in Los Angeles President Obama went for a walk on the beach and the tide went out.
President Obama hosted fundraisers in Beverly Hills and Hollywood on Sunday. He’s always thinking. Just when he starts losing the race he slips into L.A. to negotiate the best possible deal for his post-presidential reality show, Keeping Up with the Communists.
Tiger Woods arrived in Turkey with other PGA stars for the Turkish Airways World Golf Finals. This week Turkey was shelled by rogue elements in Syria. Tiger Woods took cover from the incoming artillery shells and told his caddie that it still beats married life.
A QVC Shopping Channel host fainted on the air and passed out Monday. Her co-host standing next to her went right on talking as if nothing had happened. Mitt Romney showed the same cool when the exact same thing happened during the presidential debate.
USA Today’s poll Thursday shows America is no longer majority Protestant because twenty percent of Protestants no longer identify as Protestants. It’s rigged. They always take these polls when Southerners are juggling high school football, college football, NFL football and the Apostle’s Creed every weekend and they don’t want to play favorites.
The Congress on Human Trafficking, Prostitution and Sex Work was scheduled next month at Pennsylvania University. The William J. Clinton Foundation is the event’s sponsor. It’s more evidence that if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.
Sesame Street producers asked the Obama campaign to stop using Big Bird in its anti-Romney ads. Liberals are terrified. If Sesame Street were on commercial TV, Bert and Ernie would be competing in toddler beauty pageants, the Cookie Monster would be a spokesman for McDonald’s, and Oscar the Grouch would be an assistant coach at Penn State.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.11.12

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