Argus Hamilton 10.12.12

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama cited last week’s improved jobless rate as evidence his policies are working. The latest poll says seventy percent of Americans think the nation is headed in the wrong direction. The good news is that gasoline is so expensive we’ll never get there.
California advocates of a ballot measure to ban the death penalty said Monday Texas executes 200 people every 10 years. It shows the difference between Texas and California. In California those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.
Mexican troops killed Mexico’s biggest drug cartel leader in a shootout Tuesday. His gang was a major importer of cocaine into California. Gov. Jerry Brown announced that he was going to allow the sale of winter cocaine blends in order to prevent a shortage.
Florida Gov. Rick Scott announced a toll-free meningitis hotline Tuesday at his press conference and he accidentally gave out the number of a phone sex line. People are upset. They would like to treat their meningitis without the side effect of going blind.
Penn State’s former coach Jerry Sandusky was sentenced to 30 years in prison for sexually abusing 10 boys. His coaching career is far from over. Right after Sandusky was sentenced, he was named the defensive coordinator of the prison soap-dropping team.
Jimmy Hoffa’s body was not found buried under a driveway in Detroit Tuesday after the FBI followed up a witness’s claim. No one’s ever going to find him if the Mafia didn’t want anyone to find him. The last man to see Jimmy Hoffa alive is Jacques Cousteau.
President Obama blamed his bad debate performance on his being too polite to Mitt Romney Tuesday. It was less confusing when everything was Bush’s fault. Yesterday he blamed the embassy attack in Libya on his backswing and his slice on an anti-Muslim film.
The Wall Street Journal disputed the accuracy of last week’s improving employment numbers. It’s the government’s top priority. Barack Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely a month from now he’ll be one of them.
The U.S. government sent troops to Jordan Tuesday to protect Jordan against a flood of Syrian refugees who are trying to pour across the border. This might not turn out very well for Jordan. All our border troops are trained in Arizona.
Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France teammates joined his chorus of accusers Tuesday in allegations that he did steroids. In the long run steroid use affects your brain and your judgment. Nothing else can explain Arnold Schwarzenegger’s affair with that housekeeper.
Mitt Romney did a town hall meeting in Ohio Wednesday with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The two of them got a lot of laughs together onstage. The election topic of the day was settled once and for all when Chris Christie ordered two buckets of Big Bird.
President Obama was asked by Sesame Street to stop using Big Bird in his campaign Tuesday. He’s pointing out Mitt Romney’s vow to axe PBS. There’s really no reason for American taxpayers to subsidize the shows on PBS because British taxpayers already have.
Pope Benedict pronounced a blessing in Arabic Tuesday in front of 20,000 Muslim pilgrims who paid their respects in St. Peter’s Square. The pope really enjoyed it. Comedians love to perform before audiences who’ve never heard their material before.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.12.12

Print