Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Times said Friday a Pakistani businessman just opened Afghanistan’s first bowling alley in Kabul. The building has 10 lanes. It’s like any other bowling alley except that when you rent the shoes they cut off your left hand and hold it for security.
Skydiver Felix Baum-gartner waved to Internet viewers Sunday before leaping out of a rocket plane in the stratosphere. The world watched in awe. He free-fell to earth from one hundred thousand feet, setting a new world record previously held by Facebook stock.
The Space Shuttle Endeavour was towed down Martin Luther King Boulevard in Los Angeles Sunday escorted by police cruisers. Residents stood outside and cheered the slow-moving spectacle. Everybody assumed that O.J. Simpson had escaped from Las Vegas.
TV Guide reported that Judge Judy was the highest-paid TV performer in the United States. The magazine said she earns a forty-five million dollar annual salary for her syndicated small claims court show. Only Alex Rodriguez is paid more to sit on the bench.
President Obama crammed for last night’s debate at a vacation resort in Virginia in preparation for his battle with Mitt Romney. They clearly don’t like each other. The president really got testy when Mitt Romney claimed that a YouTube video killed Big Bird.
Democrats organized a Million Big Bird March in Washington before Election Day to try to save PBS from the axe. The Romney campaign says budgeting is all about choices. Grandma in the wheelchair was polling five points better than Big Bird, so Big Bird gets it.
Team Romney reported eleven million dollars in donations from liquor, gambling and tobacco interests on Monday. That’s over twice what they gave to Obama. Mormons have no idea how much money there is in those businesses so they don’t try to take their cut the way Chicagoans do.
Pizza Hut offered free pizza for life for anybody who asked the candidates their favorite topping during the town-hall meeting. There’s always one silly question from the crowd in these debates. This is how we found out what kind of underwear Bill Clinton wore before the witnesses each testified.
Hillary Clinton took off to Peru Monday as controversy swirled on Capitol Hill about whether she or Obama refused to provide security for the U.S. embassy in Libya. She’ll be back. The Clintons are like shingles, just when you think they’re gone they pop back up.
Bill Clinton leaked that he’s assembling lawyers in case Barack Obama tries to blame Hillary for the Libyan attack. This could get nasty. If Hillary released the passport records of the president’s mother, he could be the favorite to win the New York Marathon in two weeks.
The Nobel Committee awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union. This is big. It’s the first time a peace prize has been given for a financial arrangement since the Nike Peace Prize went to Tiger Woods for settling his divorce without getting assassinated.
The Postal Service reported a three hundred million dollar windfall Monday from all the money politicians spent on campaign mailers in October. It’s very effective advertising. Yesterday’s mail delivery convinced millions of people to vote for Stevenson and Kefauver.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.17.12

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