Argus 10.19.12

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Cuba ended all travel restrictions on Cubans going abroad Tuesday but warned them to get their immunization shots. After landing in Florida, many Cubans were bleeding from the ears. It’s the first symptom of over-exposure to post-presidential debate analysis.
CNN’s Candy Crowley had to break up a confrontation during the presidential debate between Romney and Obama Tuesday. No one knew where it was going. If they’d gotten into each other’s faces any closer we would have been having a debate about gay marriage.
Barack Obama and Mitt Romney hold a foreign policy debate in Florida Monday. The debate will be over whether we should invade everybody or wait for them to hit us. Every four years you must choose between the devil you know and the devil you also know.
Mitt Romney said Sesame Street can be produced by its enormous endowment fund instead of taxpayer dollars Sunday. It’s been on the air for 43 years. Big Bird is so old that this morning’s episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by the letters E.D.
The Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday that more and more Americans are moving overseas to look for career and business opportunity. Thousands are fleeing abroad. Now people in other countries will know what it’s like to lose their American jobs to a foreigner.
Nike terminated its deal with Lance Armstrong Wednesday, citing the overwhelming evidence he cheated with performance-enhancing drugs. Nike has a very strict drug policy. They’ll fire any children in their Vietnamese factory if they test positive for Ritalin.
Dutch police report art thieves hit an art museum in Rotterdam Tuesday. They stole paintings from Picasso, Monet and Matisse. Appraisers say they’re worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and that’s just the oil in the paint and the gold leaf in the picture frames.
The New York Yankees benched Alex Rodriguez in the AL playoffs. He still has six years and $180 million left on his contract. And just think, only three years ago the Yankees owner was feeling sorry for the Mets owner because he invested with Bernie Madoff.
The Rolling Stones will play two concerts in London and two in New York for $25 million to mark their 50th anniversary next month. The years have taken their toll. They’ve got to time the Cialis just right so they don’t slump onstage during the encore.
The L.A. City Council OK’d a photo-ID library card for illegal aliens Monday that can be used to get a debit card and benefits. How nice. To make sure merchants trust the cards and accept them, the city is having them printed and laminated illegally in MacArthur Park.
The Taliban’s leader targeted Pakistan’s TV and newspapers Sunday. He’s claiming media bias after the Taliban shot a teenager for advocating education. Hitler always read the London newspapers first every morning to see how he’s playing where it matters.
Mitt Romney’s surging poll numbers prompted threats by Democrats via Twitter to riot if he gets elected. Reaction was swift. Electronics stores in Los Angeles scheduled huge clearance sales the weekend before Election Day so there will be nothing left to loot.
Fame Daddy website began offering celebrity sperm for 30 grand to women who want babies with star DNA from entertainment, sports or business. It’s easy to figure out whose sperm it is. Nine months later the new mother will be greeted by the paparazzi, by minor league scouts or by accountants wanting to know the name of the new deduction.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.19.12

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