OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Texas Highway Department opened a highway between Austin and San Antonio with an 85 mile-an-hour speed limit. What fun. It’s only been open two days and it is already the most popular highway for deer who want to pull the plug on grandma.
The Space Shuttle Endeavour was cleaned up and placed on display at the California Science Center after its arrival in L.A. last week. The museum is located in South Central Los Angeles. By the end of the week, the space shuttle will be in Mexico and sold for parts.
Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France titles were stripped from him Tuesday for doping up before races. His endorsers are now demanding their money back. Even worse, the town of Armstrong, Texas, just changed its name to Sandusky in order to upgrade its image.
Oklahoma-Notre Dame tickets in Norman were scalped at four thousand apiece this week. Students can’t sell theirs. Four thousand dollars in the hands of 20,000 college students at a party school could ruin our balance of payments with South America.
An Egyptian talk show host was jailed for telling a joke about Egypt’s new president Monday. America’s president takes a different approach. He just appears on every talk show every night figuring that no one will have the guts to tell a joke about him to his face
Costume World said Barack Obama masks are selling 30 percent more than Mitt Romney masks are selling. It makes perfect sense. If you wear a Mormon mask to a Halloween party in Beverly Hills no one is going to offer you a drink, much less any drugs.
Donald Trump offered to donate $5 million to any charity President Obama names if he will release his college and passport records. What a joke. Trump’s been looking for the safest possible place to put his money since the real estate market crashed.
Gloria Allred claimed Mitt Romney lied under oath in the divorce trial of his friend who owns Staples. She says Mitt helped deceive his friend’s divorcing wife about his net worth. The ex-wife is still upset that she got replaced by a lower-cost wife from India.
The New York Times ran a story Wednesday blaming the Obama campaign’s slump on Bill Clinton’s bad advice. Sounds like sour grapes. They can’t very well blame Obama’s slump on Bill Clinton’s bad character, because that’s what got him elected president twice.
The Florida Sentinel said an advertising blimp bearing Mitt Romney’s face crashed in Florida Tuesday. It was harrowing. Everyone saw the wrinkled-up deflated face on the ground and three plastic surgeons volunteered their services before the inauguration.
President Francois Holland proposed to ban French schools from giving homework. He’s also proposed taxing the rich 75 percent. The Germans can’t believe they invaded France twice when all they had to do was set off an alarm clock and they’d retreat.
The N.Y. Supreme Court ruled that lap dancing does not have the same cultural benefit as ballet. They ruled that fine art is entitled to tax breaks but strip bars don’t promote fine art. The judges were unmoved when the strippers performed a number from Swan Job.
The White House emails on September 11th were leaked Tuesday identifying the al-Qaeda attack on the U.S. consulate as it happened. It had nothing to do with a mob reaction to a video as claimed by the White House. If Barack Obama had been president 70 years ago he would have blamed the attack on Pearl Harbor on an anti-Japanese newsreel.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.26.12