Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce put out a tourism travel guide listing the ten ways you can get to Los Angeles. It won’t work out. If you want to get to Los Angeles, you have to get here the way everybody else does, through a series of bad personal choices.
Wisdom of the Psychopaths was published Monday which says that fifteen percent of Americans are near-psychopathic. It’s a controversial conclusion. The only diagnosis everybody agrees on today is that any voter who is still uncommitted should be committed.
Washington state voters may legalize and tax marijuana in the upcoming November election. Tons of pot are grown in federal park lands in the Pacific Northwest. The feds noticed the problem when large groups of bears began following the Dave Matthews band.
Charlie Sheen was rated the top-earning TV star by Forbes magazine Thursday with forty million in earnings last year. Most of it is gone. Charlie cheerfully admits he spent some of the money on booze and drugs parties and prostitutes, and the rest he just wasted.
Lance Armstrong lost his Tour de France titles and his endorsement deals this week after the ICU banned him for life. He told an audience he doesn’t have the energy to fight the decision. Fixing a low energy problem is what got him in trouble in the first place.
Dallas police were accused last week of giving out traffic tickets to people who don’t speak English and then can’t furnish proof of U.S. citizenships. Have you ever heard of such an idea? If we did that in California, we could balance the state budget within a week.
Nobel Prize-winning scientist Rich Gurden duplicated embryonic stem cells to help scientists facilitate disease cures without moral objections. Laws vary. In South Korea a scientist who specialized in cloning was sentenced to two years in prison, at least they think it’s him.
Al-Qaeda’s Khalid Sheik Mohammed showed up for his trial with his gray beard dyed red Tuesday. He said he used a concoction of red berries and fruit juice for dye. It looks so good on him that he wants to start selling it under the name Just for WaterBoarded Men.
President Obama’s poll numbers stayed mired five-to-six points behind Mitt Romney for the second week on Tuesday. The president has begun wondering if he’s going to be out of a job in three months. He is so frightened he’s thinking of voting for Romney himself.
Bill Clinton campaigned for New York congressional candidates Monday. He assured New York voters that he now supports same-sex marriage even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.
President Obama touted his health care initiative on the campaign trial on Tuesday but got his facts mixed up. He told a group that AARP had endorsed his health care law, which they have not. He got them mixed up with that other senior citizen group, Congress.
President Obama campaigned furiously in Ohio this past week drawing good crowds at college campuses. He relaxes around kids. The other day he admitted to one group of students that he was texting while driving when he selected Joe Biden as his vice president.
President Obama introduced a new booklet Tuesday revealing his economic plan for America. In a radio address Obama said that we’ve finally begun to put the brakes on this recession. That’s very welcome news, except the brakes were made by General Motors.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.30.12

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