Picture crazy

If you want to know if you’re old or young, just answer this pivotal question. How many pictures did you take this year? I could guess your age with incredible accuracy if I only knew your picture-taking habits.
If you’re really really old, you took about five pictures this year. One picture was taken of the family right after Easter dinner. You also took a family picture after Christmas dinner. You took a picture of your great-grandson on the day he was born and a rather fuzzy picture of the dead armadillo you saw on Highway 54. But that’s about it. In your estimation, birthday picture-taking is only for birthdays ending in “0.” You have the keen understanding that a relative turning 78 will never be as impressive as the armadillo coming to Tennessee.
If you’re kinda old, you took about 10 pictures this year. In addition to the ones above, you took an extra Christmas picture because Uncle Harold had his eyes closed in the first one and little Sally was picking her nose. If you were really really old, you would have said, “Too bad, Uncle Harold and Sally. We don’t wanna waste film.” But you’re young enough to realize cameras don’t have film anymore. So you gave Uncle Harold and Sally one more chance. You took a picture of the azalea bushes next to the shed and two pictures of your grandkids marching in the Soybean Parade. You took a picture of the barn cat because he’s 17 and you felt his days were numbered. But that’s about it.
If you’re middle-aged, you took several hundred pictures this year. You took the standard Easter and Christmas pictures. But you also took pictures of the Christmas tree and the outside lights and little Sally dressed like a reindeer in the Christmas play. In fact, you took lots of pictures of Sally dressed like a reindeer because she kept picking her nose. Truth is, you have a lot more picture-taking patience than old people. You took tons of birthday pictures, even when relatives turned odd ages not ending in “0.” You also took pictures at soccer tournaments, your friend’s 40th birthday party and that horrid vacation in Biloxi when little Billy got food poisoning.
If you’re young, well, God bless you, friend. You may need to go through a 12-step program for excessive picture taking. Because of Facebook, I’m convinced the average teenage girl takes more pictures in a day than an adult takes in a year. The day begins with the “I hate my new haircut” picture taken in the bathroom mirror at 7 a.m. Then there’s the picture of a sausage biscuit on the way to school. A picture of the dog in the backseat of the car eating the leftover sausage biscuit. There are the 27 daily pictures of your bff (best friend forever). Then there are the pictures of your running shoes, your school art project, your new bottle of hairspray and the tacos you had for lunch which you deemed unacceptable. This is all before noon on an average Tuesday.
The moral to this story is clear. Old people need to take more pictures. Young people need to take fewer pictures. And armadillos need to stay off the highway.
For more information about Lisa Smartt, visit her website, lisasmartt.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.31.12

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