Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Marathon officials announced that Sunday’s race will proceed as scheduled despite the hurricane damage. It’s the talk of the town. Everybody wonders if a Kenyan could lose the race due to a hurricane and they also wonder about the New York marathon.
The Los Angeles Lakers opened their NBA season at Staples Center on Tuesday. They give the NBA glamor by seating party animals Jack Nicholson, Charlie Sheen, and Paris Hilton courtside. It’s the only sports arena where the nosebleed seats are on the front row.
Parents Television Council ripped the new TV series Malibu Country for all its jokes about adultery and promiscuity. That’s the culture. Our adultery rate is so high that Mitt Romney may lose this election because he doesn’t share the values of mainstream America.
Hurricane Sandy left millions of people without water or electricity Monday. People were seen scavenging for food in the parks. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke promised Americans four years ago that the eight hundred billion dollar bailout would prevent this.
Hurricane Sandy prompted both presidential campaigns to scale back their criticism this week. The attack ads were replaced by uplifting ads that never work. The only way people will remember an uplifting message is if either candidate endorses the Wonder Bra.
President Obama appealed for Red Cross donations Tuesday as he presided over the disaster. He has a steady hand at the helm. The president remains cool, calm and unaffected about the presence of al-Qaeda attackers riding the storm surge on surfboards.
Manhattan bars reported doing huge business Monday as hundreds of New Yorkers decided to ride out Hurricane Sandy’s storm surge in the safety of their local saloon. This isn’t their first experience with flooding. This is why the expensive booze is Top Shelf.
Mad Men was reported Tuesday such a huge hit in China that a million websites are dedicated to every episode. The smoking, drinking and office sex isn’t set in the Sixties, it’s today’s workplace to them. The Chinese are fifty years behind us and having all the fun.
Lancet Medical Journal released a study Friday showing people who drink are more intelligent. It also says they are wealthier. They were the first to figure out four years ago that drinking beer and saving the cans gives you a higher yield than certificates of deposit.
Billy Graham denied he was injecting religion into the election by endorsing Romney Friday. The Evangelical backed the Mormon over the Protestant who began in life as a Muslim. In this country it doesn’t matter what religion you are as long as you’re ashamed.
Apple caved in to Chinese demands Tuesday and agreed to block an iPhone app that lists the hooker bars and escort services in Beijing. That’s so unfortunate. Now every Secret Service agent on the next presidential trip to China is going to owe a favor to the CIA.
Michael Moore made a new campaign video in which elderly nursing home patients threaten to burn this country down if Romney wins the election. They curse and use offensive language. It’s so depressing to Baby Boomers to see how old Jane Fonda’s gotten.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.1.12

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