Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama was able to overcome a poor economy Tuesday to win back his job as President of the United States of America. A great many people in Los Angeles were stunned by the result of Tuesday’s election. We can’t believe that Roseanne didn’t pull it off.
Americans let out a huge sigh of relief when the presidential contest finally ended on Tuesday. Unfortunately we will still be subjected to a never-ending campaign. The Kardashians have been sleeping in a coffin for nine months waiting for this election to end.
Long Island and New Jersey voters had to vote by paper ballot Tuesday due to storm damage knocking out electricity. The other states use standard voting machines except for Nevada. The voting machines in Nevada allow you to vote until you run out of quarters.
Jack Nicklaus said Tuesday he helped Mitt Romney in Ohio because he turned down helping Jerry Ford who then barely lost Ohio. He wound up being a pallbearer at Jerry’s funeral. It’s another case of bury me once, shame on you, but bury me twice, shame on me.
Glamor magazine surveyed readers who used dating websites and social media sites to meet their lovers. It’s a success story. It says twelve percent of married adults met their spouses online and the other eighty-eight percent met somebody else’s spouse online.
NFL players were thanked by the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month officials for wearing pink last month. It’s a cause backed by all the great sports. In New York the Yankees wore pink gloves, while in Los Angeles Charlie Sheen switched to pink cocaine.
Staples Center got the approval to build an NFL stadium in Los Angeles Monday. Now it gets real. We need to get a new team with a new team nickname, and the only team nickname that accurately represents the city would be the Los Angeles Fighting Narcissists.
Lindsay Lohan will be charged in Santa Monica with lying to police when she crashed a rented Porsche in Malibu in June. She’d said she wasn’t driving. She’s in trouble, but not nearly as much trouble as that rental car agent who rented a Porsche to Lindsay Lohan.
Rory McElroy signed a two hundred million dollar deal with Nike Tuesday and then cut a TV ad with Tiger Woods. It’s the only sponsor that has stood by Woods. When Rory’s girlfriend learned he’d signed with Nike, she nearly broke his nose with a nine-iron.
Mitt Romney gave a gracious concession speech Tuesday in Boston. Many comedians voted for him. That’s because it’s a lot easier to get a laugh with rich-Mormon-Republican jokes than it is from the first-black-president-in-U.S.-history jokes, at least outside the South.
Libya’s election commissioner observed U.S. election polling places Tuesday and said he couldn’t believe that no photo ID was required at the polls in the United States. We do require it to get on an airline. This is why plane travel has fewer crashes than the economy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.8.12

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