Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Jamie Foxx addressed the Soul Train Awards Sunday where he thanked his Lord and Savior Barack Obama. That can’t be true. If Barack Obama can heal the sick and raise the dead with the touch of his hand why on earth do we have to pay for health care reform?
Santa Monica was barred by a U.S. judge from displaying the Nativity Scene in a public place last week. It’s too bad. People in Los Angeles marvel at Nativity Scenes because in this city it’s so rare people get to see a baby taken care of by both parents at the same time.
The White House predicted Tuesday the president and Congress will reach a budget deal by Christmas. How is that even possible? Last month on Halloween night, brain-sucking zombies invaded Washington D.C. and within two days they all died of malnutrition.
The National Retail Federation reports that two hundred and fifty million Americans bought gifts over Thanksgiving weekend. A record number bought gifts on Cyber Monday. That means this is the best week all year to send drugs through the mail and not get caught.
Cyber Monday enjoyed a twenty-eight percent jump in online holiday shopping over last year Monday. It’s not as exciting as shopping in person. Yesterday in Beverly Hills a tourist spotted Betty White at an antique store on Rodeo Drive, for eight hundred dollars.
U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice met with GOP senators angry that she misled them about Benghazi. The senators said that they are more disturbed now than before. She told them that the upheaval in Egypt is due to the recent death of the star of I Dream of Jeannie.
Chicago residents saw packs of coyotes on Northside city streets Monday for the first time in modern memory. They were near Wrigley Field. They used to live on the South Side but all the predators are moving north because the gunfire keeps them awake at night.
GOP senators began hedging on their vows never to raise taxes by hinting they’d be willing to limit deductions. The ground is shifting. When Mitt Romney only carried forty-seven percent of the vote, the message they took from it was that fidelity to vows is a loser.
President Obama met with GOP leaders to try to avoid the fiscal cliff on Tuesday. The Republicans should welcome it. If we go over the cliff and taxes are raised and defense spending’s cut the Democrats will have nothing to do and that’s when interns deliver pizza.
San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro signed a deal to write his autobiography Monday. The thirty-seven-year-old Castro is preparing for a presidential run in four years. It wasn’t enough that we were going off the fiscal cliff, but now we’re sliding down the hill to Havana.
PLO leader Yasser Arafat was exhumed Tuesday to test his remains to see if he was poisoned. He was tracked by the CIA, the British, the Israelis, the Iranians, two ex-wives and his PLO rivals. The only people who aren’t suspects are children who weren’t born yet.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.29.12

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