Argus 11.30.12

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Cairo streets filled with 200,000 protesters against President Morsi’s power grab Tuesday. It’s tottering. President Morsi is a USC graduate, and USC alums couldn’t live with themselves if they lost to Notre Dame and democracy in the same week.
Las Vegas unveiled plans for an 11-story-high thrill ride that’s shaped like a slot machine. It spits riders out and zings them over a five-block zip line over the city and you fly horizontally like Superman. It’ll be priced at $120 a gram.
Chicago Bears receiver Brendan Marshall said some NFL players are taking Viagra to give themselves a performance edge. That’s very scary. At last we know what Troy Aikman means when he says you don’t want to be on the bottom of that pile after a fumble.
The NFL suspended two players for testing positive for Adderall this week, bringing Adderall suspensions to 12. You can tell who’s on the drug. They’re counting the T-shirts in the stands to see if they were short-changed on their merchandise revenue check.
Bill Clinton advised the White House ornament-maker on making the Christmas ball to represent his presidency on the annual Christmas tree. He hated the preliminary sketch. It was the first time in history the ornament-maker put a zipper on a Christmas ball.
The Powerball Lottery jackpot reached $550 million before Wednesday’s nationally televised drawing. Every ticket-holder wants to win before January. If the jackpot rolls over into next year it’ll only be worth $15 after taxes.
The White House backed Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s plan to end the GOP’s power to filibuster Democratic bills and nominations. The Democrats are getting very cocky. Susan Rice just announced she will not vote to confirm John McCain as a U.S. senator.
U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice failed to sway GOP senators to back her for Secretary of State Tuesday after she mischaracterized the Benghazi attack. The frustration is rising. John McCain sent out a tweet vowing to block her nomination and his garage door opened.
The White House reported Tuesday its December holiday plans include a traditional Hanukkah ceremony. It’s a beautiful ritual. Every year President Obama says a prayer and lights the candles on a Menorah and then Joe Biden makes a wish and blows them out.
Barack Obama said if Republicans agree to tax hikes on the rich he’ll promise to cut spending next year. Nobody’ll fall for that. Republicans weren’t stupid enough to nominate Mitt Romney for president and they’re not stupid enough to raise taxes just on themselves.
President Obama hosted a lunch with Mitt Romney at the White House on Thursday where they discussed ways to improve the economy. However, there were strict dietary laws which had to be observed. Mitt Romney’s religion doesn’t allow him to drink poison.
The Postal Service announced it lost $16 billion last year. They are doing all they can to cut costs. The new Christmas postage stamp shows Mary and Joseph going into Bethlehem on a donkey, with a second donkey behind them carrying the airmail.
Two and a Half Men’s 19-year-old star Angus T. Jones flipped out Tuesday and made a video ripping the producer. He’s done the show since he was 9 years old and he earns $8 million a year. It sends a strong message to kids to stay out of school.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.30.12

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