HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Powerball jackpot hit $500 million Thursday when two winning tickets came up. They’ll split it. Every year the lottery creates a few new Republicans but it is no match for the number of Democrats produced by televised Republican debates.
The Pentagon released fitness data showing that one in four young people is too fat to serve in the U.S. military. Obesity is a national security concern. We either need to get in shape or recruit a separate fat army that only invades countries that don’t have hills.
U.S. and British golf officials moved to ban the long putters that older golfers anchor against their bellies for stability. It’s killed TV ratings. Half the fun of watching golf is looking to see whose hands are shaking and trying to guess how late they were out last night.
Radio Shack introduced Text Hooks which allow parents to strap cell phones to their strollers so they can text while pushing their babies. Imagine a couple texting away while pushing their baby toward a railroad crossing. It lets you see how silent movies got started.
Lindsay Lohan was arrested Tuesday for punching a lady at a New York nightclub. She’s had four arrests and three car wrecks this year. People in Hollywood are worried that her lifestyle is draining her looks, but not everyone takes as good a mug shot as Mel Gibson.
The NFL suspended two Seattle Seahawks for testing positive for Adderall. They will try anything. Some NFL players have been accused of taking Viagra to give themselves a performance edge, except Tony Romo who missed his mouth and the pill fell incomplete.
New York’s mayor urged office building owners to allow bicycles on elevators to encourage Manhattanites to bicycle. Every local area has its own solution to transit problems. Here in Los Angeles they’re working on a plan that will require people to drive two cars to work.
Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi called on Cairo protesters to stop rioting over his power grab. He wants them off the streets. If a dictator wants his people to stay in their homes and do nothing, all he has to do is turn the Internet back on and lift the ban on porn.
Pew Research’s poll said the birth rate among newly arrived Mexican couples in the U.S. has plummeted. It says they quickly acquire separate careers and birth control. By spring they’re so Anglicized they’re skipping church to catch the last round of the Masters.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner failed to reach a compromise with GOP legislators on Capitol Hill in budget talks. For four years he’s been in charge of the U.S. credit line. He’s the first Secretary of Treasury ever to have to ask China to stop calling at supper time.
Mitt Romney was invited to the White House Thursday to have a private lunch with President Obama and share ideas on how to spur the economy. The president served turkey chili and a green vegetable for lunch. Mitt didn’t have to ask if Michelle was in town.
President Obama’s Hawaiian vacation retreat is being securitized for a long stay this month. He’s sensitive to people who need official news every day. To keep the comedians happy, he has ordered Joe Biden to stay in Washington and say whatever comes to his mind.
The Weather Channel reported heavy rains and high winds slamming the West Coast Thursday, resulting in mudslides in California. It’s the fun season out here. California is the only state that requires you to wear a seat belt when you’re sitting on your front porch.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.3.12