Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln got the most Golden Globe nominations Friday. America’s sixteenth president was some character. In his time Lincoln was nicknamed Honest Abe and the Great Emancipator but nowadays he’s better known by his rap name, One Cent.
The Today Show offered Pippa Middleton a huge deal to give reports from London Monday. NBC says the timing has nothing to do with the royal birth. However, the Today Show just fired Ann Curry because she could not be depended upon to steal the sonogram.
The DEA reported Friday that Mexican drug cartels have mounted cannons near the U.S. border. They’re are shooting bales of marijuana over the border into the U.S. This explains why Willie Nelson just bought a house in Arizona in the shape of a catcher’s mitt.
Les Miserables opens on Christmas about the French Revolution. The musical is set in a period of random violence, social upheaval, mob rule and execution of the rich. The studio is releasing it on Christmas Day so it’ll be eligible for an Oscar for best documentary.
Mob movie director Martin Scorsese announced Monday he’ll make a documentary on Bill Clinton. The president was raised in Hot Springs, Arkansas, which was a hangout for Chicago gangsters. This is a story of how they all ended up together in Washington D.C.
Hillary Clinton bumped her head and suffered a minor concussion Friday, forcing her to cancel testifying to Congress about the Benghazi attack. No one thinks she’s faking an injury to avoid testifying. Everyone thinks she’s faking an injury to get workman’s comp.
U.S. Senator John Kerry was reported Sunday set to be named Secretary of State. He’s a known commodity nationally. Sixty percent of Americans can identify a photograph of John Kerry, the bad news is that the majority still thinks he’s the dad from the Munsters.
President Obama’s address on gun violence preceded Sunday’s NFL game airing on NBC. It changed nothing. One team’s offense operated out of the pistol, the other team operated out of the shotgun and the winning TD was scored when they completed a bomb.
NASA crashed two orbiters into the moon Monday after they ran out of fuel. They felt it was better to litter the moon than to keep littering the atmosphere. Even the Sierra Club says it’s better to have a landfill on the moon than it is to risk cell phone interference.
President Obama said Friday he will not use U.S. law to go after pot smokers in states where it’s legal. The president said he’s got bigger fish to fry. Anytime you want pot smokers to come out with their hands up, just tease them with the prospect of fried fish.
Donald Trump purchased the Ritz-Carlton Golf and Country Club in Florida Monday and renamed it Trump National Golf Club. There’s now a chain of twelve Trump National Golf Clubs. They don’t use caddies, you just yell into the clown’s mouth what club you want.
A German study said Monday that men who watch porn suffer memory loss and reduced decision-making skills. It has a military application. Watching porn is how German soldiers follow orders without question and don’t recall anything at the war crimes trial.
Japan’s voters elected the Liberal Democratic party to power Sunday along with its hawkish leader Shinzo Abe. The new prime minister wants Japan to get tough against China’s growing military power but it’s no cause for alarm. War between Japan and China led to the last World War, which got us out of the depression and led to a housing boom.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.19.12

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