Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan elevated his third string quarterback to be his starter Sunday, passing over Tim Tebow. The fans were infuriated by the unpopular decision. Sources close to the Mayans insist that it really won’t matter by the close of business today.
Zero Dark Thirty opens Friday about the female CIA agent who relentlessly tracked Osama bin Laden for ten years. She got him. Barack Obama won the election by telling college kids if they didn’t vote for him, he’d put her in charge of collecting student loans.
WalMart sold out of semi-automatic rifles and pistols the day after President Obama hinted he’d get them banned. It’s big news. President Obama could ignite an economic boom if he’d threaten to ban the sale of American cars and houses in Riverside, California.
President Obama named Joe Biden to head a task force to search for the solutions to gun violence by next month. The first rule of politics is, if you want nothing done, name a task force. If you want to make sure nothing’s done, put the vice president in charge of it.
Time magazine named President Obama its Person of the Year Thursday in the wake of his re-election to office last month. It was a day of annual magazine recognition. Science Digest handed its Excellence in Engineering Award to the creators of Mitt Romney.
President Obama warned U.S. credit will be downgraded if Republicans don’t okay tax hikes. His plan is to tax the rich, ignore the debt and increase spending. Standard and Poor’s won’t degrade U.S. credit but they did name Confederate bonds their Pick of the Week.
Hillary Clinton cancelled testfying on Benghazi, citing a stomach virus and dizziness that led to a concussion. It’s dubious. Her first story was, she’s pregnant, but when the Republicans vowed to call an independent counsel, she decided to go with a stomach virus.
John Kerry was reported set to be nominated for Secretary of State Tuesday. He’s the richest man in the Senate thanks to the two wealthy women he’s married. Forty years ago, John Kerry was voted the Most Likely to Succeed by his tango class at Arthur Murray’s.
George W. Bush announced he’ll auction his Ford pick-up to raise money for charity Monday. It was likely Laura’s idea. They live in a Dallas neighborhood where if there’s a pick-up truck in the driveway at night, it means somebody’s sleeping with the contractor.
NBC News reporters Richard Engel and his camera crew are safe Thursday after their capture in Syria. Engel said his captors kept asking him which of his cameramen he wanted to see killed first. It’s the same thing NBC puts him through whenever the ratings come out.
Instagram assured its one hundred million users Tuesday it does not own the rights to all the photos it improves. Their air-brushing improves everyone’s appearance in photos. It keeps everybody from attracting someone their own age for online relationships.
Los Angeles was hit by freezing winds that arrived from Alaska Tuesday. Residents were shocked by the low temperatures. People in Beverly Hills wore their furs to the grocery store, confident that the paint would freeze in mid-air before it reached the coat.
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg Sunday gave eighteen million shares of Facebook stock to a medical research foundation. It’s quite a gift. The stock is worth five hundred million dollars, unless anybody tries to find out if Facebook advertising is worth anything.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.21.12

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