Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The National Retailers Association reported huge retail sales Saturday in malls and super-stores. The reason why is a little embarrassing. When the Mayans turned out to be wrong and the world didn’t end Friday, Americans had a lot of Christmas shopping to do.
Ireland TV will produce an Irish version of the U.S. sitcom Cheers this year. The plot is a bunch of guys in a bar, drinking and arguing about life. They don’t need actors, they are just going to take British security camera footage, cut it together, and add a laugh track.
U.S. Olympic runner Suzy Favor-Hamilton said Friday she moonlighted as a Las Vegas call girl. Wisconsin’s award for female athlete of the year is named after her. Suzy set a world track and field record when she successfully charged six hundred dollars an hour.
Two and a Half Men’s Ashton Kutcher filed for divorce from Demi Moore Friday. She is reportedly holding out for as big a cash settlement from Kutcher as she got out of Bruce Willis. All actresses start out as ingenues and wind up starring in vampire movies.
Prince Harry flew his Apache helicopter Friday over an enemy stronghold and killed a Taliban commander with a Hellfire missile. He’s making progress. Prince Harry is twenty-two behind President Obama’s score but he did it in person and that counts for ten.
Senator Joe Lieberman predicted Tuesday that U.S. lawmakers and the president will take America over the fiscal cliff. Then we don’t need John Kerry as Secretary of State. He should be the Treasury Secretary since he’s the only one who knows how to paraglide.
The NRA pushed Congess for a law that will pay for an armed security guard in each public school. It was their second idea. The NRA wanted to have Predator drones on patrol, but the Predators Union will not admit aircraft and the schools are a closed shop.
Mitt Romney’s son Tagg said Monday his father didn’t want to run for president this year. Tagg said he and his mother Ann had to almost force him into running. Mitt said he didn’t want his life open to scrutiny, which only made Ann wonder who he’s seeing.
Queen Elizabeth praised the Olympic athletes who competed in the London Summer Games in her annual Christmas Day address, broadcast for the first time in 3-D. It’s amazingly realistic. Last year during a test of the technology by porn producers three guys lost an eye.
President Obama played golf with life-long pal Bobby Titcomb in Hawaii Sunday. He was arrested in Honolulu last year for soliciting a prostitute. It speaks well of a president when he’s got a friend who’s willing to undergo Secret Service training to help protect him.
President Obama hinted through aides Monday he’d fly back to Washington D.C. to sign a budget deal if the White House and Congress can agree on tax hikes on the rich. The rich have no say in the matter. This time of year the rich are known on Capitol Hill as Santa’s elves because they do all the work and then Santa Claus gives away what they make.
Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained opens Tuesday about a freed Southern slave who horse-whips and kills his former master. He then sets out to kill all white men. It’s just Hollywood’s little way of reminding Republicans that elections have consequences.
New York Jet Tim Tebow and model Camilla Belle announced on Saturday they have ended their two-month-long relationship. She’s not happy. Last week Camilla entered his apartment unannounced and caught him being sexually abstinent with another woman.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.26.12

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