Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Les Miserables and Django Unchained were box office movie hits on Christmas. One movie glorifies a peasant uprising against the rich and the other movie stars a freed slave out on a mission to kill white guys. When Mitt Romney loses an election, it stays lost.
The Weather Channel reported a cold front stranding travelers this week due to icy roads and blizzards. No one can get a flight out. People are so sick of their relatives that airports are opening Legal Zoom franchises for people who want to change their wills.
The Taliban put a price on Prince Harry’s head in Afghanistan Sunday after he killed a terrorist commander from his helicopter. The terrorists are serious about the bounty. For the first time ever they are wearing uniforms into battle, inscribed New Orleans Saints.
Los Angeles churches were reported Wednesday to be selling their steeples as cell phone towers to wireless carriers. Some of the steeples have crucifixes on top of them. If you were afraid the NSA was listening in to your late night calls, this is one notch worse.
Miss USA Olivia Culpo of Rhode Island was crowned Miss Universe Wednesday in Las Vegas. The pageant had something for everybody. The talent contest was won by Miss Canada, a video producer whose talent is training eagles to steal babies on command.
Social Security officials reported a record nine million people on disability payments Thursday. There’s also a record number on food stamps. Even the number of Americans who are filing their taxes as dairy cows to get the milk price supports has gone through the roof.
David Letterman was awarded a Kennedy Center Honor in Washington Tuesday. He overcame a heart bypass and depression to enjoy a sex scandal in the workplace. The award was named to honor a president who overcame a bad back to achieve the same goal.
Ben Affleck said Tuesday he won’t run for U.S. Senate to fill the seat left by John Kerry in Massachusetts. It’s no secret why. It’s escaped no one’s notice in Hollywood that ever since Al Franken was elected to the Senate, he can’t even get booked on Storage Wars.
President Obama left Hawaii for Washington for budget talks with Republicans this week. Massive defense cuts are looming if they collapse. If we can just rig it to where North Korea is the world’s only superpower, the Mayans will have been right, only a month off.
Russian lawmakers passed a bill banning Americans from adopting Russian children Thursday. They don’t reveal their underlying problems. They pass these children off as healthy kids, but when they arrive we find out they are all the way back at Madden Three.
The CDC reported Tuesday that obesity among pre-schoolers is finally on the decline in December after a decade of increasing weight. You can thank the unions. Hostess hasn’t been bankrupt for a month and already the country’s body mass index is improving.
David Gregory was probed by D.C. police for displaying a thirty-round magazine clip on NBC News because the clip’s illegal in D.C. Journalists assured the cops the ammo clip was in a safe place. They keep it in the break room next to the coffee pot and the cocaine.
The White House received over sixty thousand signatures from gun rights advocates demanding that CNN’s host Piers Morgan be deported for slamming the Second Amendment. A counter-petition was circulated in Britain refusing to take him back. He is on the phone with the president to see if Anglo-Saxons are covered under the Dream Act.
 Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.28.12

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