Argus Hamilton

 LA JOLLA — Happy New Year, everybody, and God bless America.
The FBI released old files on Marilyn Monroe Friday which showed the FBI believed she was a communist. It’s plausible. Jack Kennedy was a tax-cutting capitalist before he met Marilyn Monroe and afterwards he supported civil rights and his back felt a lot better.
Playboy founder Hugh Hefner announced Friday that he and fiancée Crystal Harris will get married tonight in a ceremony held at the Playboy Mansion in Beverly Hills. She’s 26 years old and he’s 86. The police are already calling it a suicide.
Toyota agreed Friday to pay $2 billion to settle the lawsuits alleging sudden acceleration and brake failure in newer model Toyotas. They never malfunctioned in Hollywood. It’s because the Prius doesn’t go fast enough for the brakes to be a major issue.
The N.Y. Jets named Mark Sanchez over Tim Tebow as Sunday’s starting QB after Greg McElroy got hurt. The week before, McElroy was promoted over Tebow when Sanchez faltered. Tim Tebow likes playing in New York so much he celebrates Passover every week.
President Obama was interviewed by Barbara Walters on ABC Friday. She named him one of America’s Ten Most Intriguing People. He seemed surprised that they did a 20-minute video segment about his life and not a series of books by David McCullough.
“Promised Land” starring Matt Damon opened Friday about the evil of gas drilling. It’s up against “Django Unchained” about revenge against whites and “Les Miserables” about revolt against the rich. Republicans are locked in their houses desperately calling the cable company to find out how long it will be before “Downton Abbey” is back on the air.
The Justice Department reported that Mexico drug cartels are growing marijuana in U.S. national parks. It’s affecting the ecosystem as well as the wildlife. California bears no longer break into cabins just for the food, they now stay and watch cartoons for two hours.
President Obama signed an executive order in the White House Friday granting Vice President Joe Biden $6,000 a year pay raise. No one begrudged the hike in salary. Americans have always felt that a great comedian is worth every penny you pay him.
Germany was reported Wednesday to be deporting seniors to rest homes in Eastern Europe and Asia where care is more affordable. It caused some to gasp. People may think it’s barbaric but that’s what we use cruise ships for in America and no one complains.
A Connecticut newspaper published a map of all licensed gun owners in two wealthy counties. Thus it showed all the houses that weren’t armed. When night fell the burglars and the Bolsheviks were crashing into each other on the front lawns trying to get there first.
Washington, D.C., hotels reported plenty of occupancy available for President Obama’s second inauguration. The number of Inaugural balls has been dropped from six to two. The Inaugural guests don’t like the healthy menu any better than the sixth-graders do.
President Obama and Congress negotiated furiously Friday to try to avoid going over the fiscal cliff together. Republicans don’t want tax hikes and Democrats refuse to cut entitlement spending and it looked like they’d die in each other’s arms. It’s such a great show Queen Elizabeth wore 3-D glasses to watch her colonists throw punches all weekend.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.1.13

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