Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Southern California’s gun show in Ontario last weekend drew huge crowds and long lines of people eager to purchase guns. The city is east of L.A. in a region known as the Inland Empire. It’s the only empire whose queen’s got a tattoo on her neck and a government food card.
Downton Abbey premiered Sunday about British aristocrats and their servants. This year it’s airing in Mexico. It’s a warning to Mexicans who are thinking about coming north that if they ask for too much money, the jobs are all going to go to English-speaking people.
The Washington Redskins were ripped for not taking Robert Griffin III out of a game Sunday after he re-injured a knee. He was heroic. If people wanted to watch warriors backing off and playing nice with the other side, we’d put helmet cams on the French Army.
Iowa’s Supreme Court ruled an employer can fire a woman because she is irresistibly attractive. The court didn’t get to the main issue. What is she still doing in Iowa when the segregation laws require her to be in Los Angeles at the beautiful women lunch counter?
The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas opened Tuesday with its annual display of the world’s latest high-tech gadgets. There’s only one thing keeping technology going. The USDA just named Apple a food group and now people can use food stamps to buy iPhones.
Apple’s iPhone store in Paris was robbed by thieves who stole one million dollars in iPhones and iPads Thursday. The company has a fail-proof business model. Last year Apple founder Steve jobs died and every six months he’s re-buried in a slightly better coffin.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi disclosed Sunday that more tax hikes are being considered to increase federal tax revenue. Many Democrats want a surtax on Wall Street bonuses. This is the kind of punitive tax that could drive our best people out of fraud.
Vladimir Putin welcomed Gerard Depardieu to Russia Friday after the French movie star became a Russian to avoid high taxes. The actor is the master of farce. And if there is anything we know about the Russians, it’s that they really appreciate a light comic touch.
Al Gore sold Current TV to the Mideast oil-financed Al Jazeera. He was blasted by liberals for selling out and by conservatives for hypocrisy. Fortunately for Gore the U.S. Supreme Court just ruled by a five-to-four vote that George W. Bush is the new owner of Current TV.
Chuck Hagel was nominated for Secretary of Defense Monday. He’s on the record against Israel and fellow Republicans hate him. The only thing keeping him from giving up his membership in the Republican Party is he doesn’t like playing golf on public courses.
Syrian dictator Bashar Assad refused to step down from power Sunday. We could see Syria fall within one year of Egypt and Libya toppling over. President Obama could get his picture on the wall at Muslim Lanes for picking up the very difficult six-seven-ten spare.
U.S. Congressman Jose Serrano introduced a bill Sunday to repeal the Twenty-Second Amendment to allow President Obama to have a third term in office, just as he did fifteen years ago to try to give Bill Clinton a third term. However, the two presidents are very different. Under Obama obesity is a disease while under Clinton it was an aphrodisiac.
Promised Land with Matt Damon bombed at the box office Friday. It claims fracking harms the earth. Moviegoers willing to pay four dollars a gallon and twelve dollars a ticket for a movie that promotes higher energy costs opted to go to a bondage club instead.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.9.13

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