Argus 1.15.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Miss America Pageant was held on Saturday at the Las Vegas Convention Center as thousands cheered the beautiful girls. Security was tight. Brent Musberger’s name was added to the list of known card counters to make sure he couldn’t get into the building.
Beverage Digest reports that Anheuser Busch ads will flood the Super Bowl telecast promoting its new Budweiser Black Crown. This year’s message for beer drinkers is simple. You might not be a football player but you can enjoy the sensation of brain damage.
The Academy Awards nominations were released Friday with Lincoln nominated for 12 Oscars. The studio’s publicity campaign hid from the Hollywood voters the fact that Lincoln was a Republican. It’s modeled on the Schwarzenegger campaign for governor.
President Obama will take the oath of office with Lincoln’s bible and give his State of the Union on Lincoln’s birthday. What’s with him? It’s the most effort by a president to be just like his hero since Bill Clinton took the oath of office with his right hand on a stack of Playboys.
President Obama was criticized Friday for naming white men to head State, Defense, Treasury and the CIA. It just never ends. Every cabinet meeting will begin with the National Guard escorting Barack Obama into the cabinet room past the governor of Alabama.
President Obama got lifetime Secret Service protection Friday. He rides around with armed guards equipped with assault weapons and backed up by snipers. Whenever the president’s motorcade drives by a public school the teachers put the students in the closet.
NBC News reported that the flu epidemic has spread to 48 states Friday with hospitals setting up tents to handle the volume. We live in dangerous times. A terrorist with a runny nose entered an elevator in New York Friday and fighter jets were scrambled.
The NRA reported 100,000 new members Friday as gun control laws loomed. Gun stores are running out. Thanks to President Obama, there’s a shortage of guns and a doctor shortage, so people who are feeling badly will just have to tough it out.
Gov. Jerry Brown announced Friday that the California state budget was in the black. They had an unanticipated leap in state revenues. They raised the sales tax, they raised the income tax, and they used the money to build a wall between California and Nevada.
The White House announced the Inaugural Gala will include two Inaugural balls this year when four years ago the president hosted 10 balls. There wasn’t enough demand for tickets. The Inuagural Committee insisted on cash or checks, no EBT cards are accepted.
Major League Baseball instituted testing for Human Growth Hormone on Friday. It was the day after the Hall of Fame refused admittance to steroid users. There are so many baseball superstars not in the Hall of Fame right now that Pete Rose can get a poker game going in any city in America.
The Consumer Electronics Show showcased labor-saving devices Friday. Do we need labor-saving devices during a job shortage? The U.S. economy would be saved if they’d invent an iPad that can eat, rent houses, buy clothes and needs a new car every two years.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg proposed limiting the amount of pain killer prescriptions the poor can get following emergency room treatment Friday. He wants the poor to be walking around the streets of New York with pain on their faces. The only explanation is that Mayor Bloomberg is an investor in Les Miserables and he’s trying to boost ticket sales.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.15.13

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