HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama deputized doctors Wednesday to ask patients if they have guns and where they keep them. This can’t happen. When you consider where doctors have their hands while they’re interrogating you, it makes waterboarding look like a neck massage.
Bill Clinton hosts the annual Bob Hope Desert Classic in Palm Springs all week. He’s a loyal Democrat. To back President Obama’s gun control measures, Bill Clinton has agreed to stop pointing finger guns and firing at marginally attractive waitresses in diners.
President Obama gets inaugurated Monday on the same day as Martin Luther King’s birthday. That explains the flood of executive orders lately. We should have known that once Congress approved a King Holiday that someday a president would misunderstand it.
An L.A. judge banned former porn actress Stacy Hollis from teaching in L.A. Tuesday. It’s obvious why. It’s one thing for teachers to have affairs with the students, but bringing in a pro could jeopardize their amateur standing and put their college scholarships at risk.
Brent Musberger referred to two female courtside ESPN reporters as smoking hot Monday. Last week he went ape over Miss Alabama on the air. A year from now Brent will be admitting to Oprah Winfrey that he won Broadcaster of the Year while on Androgel.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance enhancing drugs to win his Tour de France titles. His wins have been revoked. Lance’s record for rolling through France in 23 days has been returned to Adolf Hitler, who did it in 24 days.
Major League Soccer terminated Livestrong Foundation’s stadium-naming deal with Kansas City’s soccer stadium due to the Lance Armstrong scandal. Livestrong Stadium was a 40,000 seat venue. Now it’s an 80,000 seat venue and it can’t explain why.
The NRA aired an ad Tuesday calling President Obama an elitist hypocrite. The gun crowd hates Obama and Obama hates the gun crowd and it has nothing to do with race. It’s taken Americans 400 years to get to this point and it’s a cause for celebration.
CBS News star Bob Schieffer on Wednesday compared President Obama’s battle with the NRA to the effort to defeat Hitler. It’s a new low for the media. It just poured salt on the wound the next day when CBS apologized to the surviving members of the Hitler family.
President Obama demanded a bill requiring background checks for any private gun sales Tuesday. He wants to know who has guns and where they are. Now everyone in the Mexican drug cartel has to make a doctor’s appointment and tell where they keep the guns.
Hillary Clinton refused to answer any questions about U.S. citizens taken hostage in Algeria Wednesday. She also won’t answer questions about the Benghazi raid. Four years ago the administration ended the War on Terror and replaced it with the War on Answers.
The NYPD asked New York pharmacies to battle drug thefts by placing a GPS chip on every prescription bottle. We’re living in a police state. They wound up arresting hundreds of homeowners for failure to throw the plastic bottle in the proper recycling bin.
The National Hockey League begins its season Saturday after months of delay due to a lockout that nearly cancelled the season. Fans can’t wait. Americans are desperate to enjoy senseless bloody fighting over something besides the debt ceiling and gun control.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.18.13