Argus 1.25.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Beyonce lip-synced the National Anthem at the inaugural while the U.S. Marine Band pretended to play. The president used a teleprompter and the oath was a re-enactment. This inaugural was so fake that Manti Te’o dropped to one knee and asked it to marry him.
Katie Couric spoke with Manti Te’o about the imaginary girlfriend that he met online who supposedly died in December. He killed her off after he lost the Heisman because she could no longer advance his career. L.A. should get an NFL team just so he can play here.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said Tuesday he wants to reconcile with wife Maria Shriver a year after he admitted having a child with the maid. The 10-year-old boy they had is half-German and half-Mexican. There’s not a border in the world that can stop this child.
Hillary Clinton dodged questions in Congress while testifying about the Libya attack Wednesday. They never laid a glove on her. Hillary started her political career on the Watergate Special Committee and she took good notes on where Nixon made his mistakes.
Hillary Clinton refused on Wednesday to completely negate the White House tale that the Benghazi attack was a spontaneous mob reaction to a film that ridicules Muslims. The story doesn’t add up. The attack was in September and Argo didn’t open until October.
The Taliban confirmed they’re targeting Prince Harry in Afghanistan. They’re angry he killed a Taliban commander from his chopper and attributed it to his X-box skills. It has been two months since anybody pointed out the upside of violent video games.
President Obama closed out the inaugural day Mon-day at the Commander in Chief’s Ball. He brought down the house with some intentionally awkward dance moves. The Republicans thanked him for reaching out to them and gave him another trillion until May.
Indonesian courts sentenced a British woman to death by firing squad for trying to smuggle cocaine into Bali Tuesday. They’re going to shoot her for carrying cocaine into their territory. Indonesia’s justice system is modeled on street corners in Los Angeles.
The Los Angeles Dodgers signed a record TV deal with Time Warner Cable this week worth $8 billion. The payroll is through the roof. The players are making so much money they are asking to be traded to Florida or Texas where the taxes are lower.
New York Jets owner Woody Johnson said Wednesday he was pressured into signing Tim Tebow last year. The quarterback never fit in New York, even religion-wise. There was just one statue of the Blessed Virgin where he went to school in Florida, and it’s of him.
San Diego Charger Junior Seau’s family sued the NFL and Riddell Helmets Tuesday for not warning players of the damage done by hits to the head. That’s not true. The helmet label warns NFL players they are at risk of making a lot of money and being pursued by beautiful chicks and brain damage and nobody reads all the way to the end of the sentence.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s ban on the sale of sugary drinks over 16 ounces will go into effect in March unless challenges are upheld. On Tuesday, the NAACP ripped the large-soda ban as racist. Colas are brown and Mountain Dew is exempt.
President Obama’s inauguration got record-low TV ratings Monday with only seven million Americans viewing the speech. The administration was able to explain the low numbers. The Democrats say it was Martin Luther King Day and everyone was at work.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.25.13

Print