Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tina Turner moved to Switzerland Friday as France’s richest man moved to Belgium to flee high taxes. Gerard Depardieu moved to Russia and Phil Mickelson is wavering. If there’s ever going to be life on Mars it’s going to be rich people escaping these governments.
American Idol was sued by nine contestants for discrimination Monday. They passed their audition then were told they’re disqualified due to their past criminal records. This leaves politics as the only career left in America which doesn’t require a background check.
The Academy Awards got all six actors who played James Bond to appear together onstage on Oscar night. It’s a good warning to the audience. You can be the hottest star in the world and in thirty years you’ll be lucky if your agent can get you into a group photo.
The Weather Channel reported record low temperatures across the Midwest and the Eastern Seaboard over the weekend. The Arctic front announced the arrival of winter weather. It was so cold in New York City Thursday that Manti Te’o was sticking to his story.
Baltimore Ravens star Ray Lewis was targeted in a new book about his part in a stabbing murder in a parking lot years ago. The linebacker has been playing in the NFL for an amazing seventeen seasons. Apparently concussions don’t end your career if you’re a donor.
The Pentagon lifted the ban on women serving in the front lines of combat in the U.S. Army. The girls must get through basic training camp. After nine weeks of fighting off the advances of the finest young fighting men in the world, the Taliban should be a breeze.
U.S. Army generals debated the effectiveness of women in combat during cable news interviews Friday. It’s not even debatable. Israel has proved that women can be a real military advantage unless you have to drive your tanks in reverse the way the Egyptians do.
George W. Bush sold his Crawford ranch pick-up truck for three hundred thousand dollars at a charity auction in Scottsdale Thursday. All of the bidders understood that the truck is a fixer. The navigation system on the dashboard doesn’t know Iraq from Iran.
President Obama flew to Las Vegas today to reveal his immigration reform proposal for allowing illegal aliens to have a pathway to citizenship. Californians are confused. We thought illegal aliens already had a pathway to citizenship, it’s called the San Diego Freeway.
President Obama was attacked by a fly that landed on his forehead at an East Room function Thursday. Reaction was swift. The U.S. government just borrowed money from China for the Pentagon to buy fly-swatters from Raytheon for ten thousand dollars apiece.
President Obama was ruled to have unconstitutionally made recess appointments to labor’s governing board Friday. It saves the non-union Boeing plant in Charleston. This is South Carolina’s first victory over the United States in two wars and a nullification crisis.
Hillary Clinton was on CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday in an interview with Steve Kroft. She denied that the Obama Administration covered up its security failings in Benghazi with a cock-and-bull story about an anti-Muslim video. CBS’s 60 Minutes is where Hillary first entered the national spotlight two decades ago to deny that her husband was a womanizer, and the show has had a laugh track ever since.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.29.13

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