Argus 2.1.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Alex Rodriguez faced more charges of using performance enhancing drugs Thursday, prompting the New York Yankees to try to void the remaining four years left on his contract. He underwent surgery last week. The doctors had to repair his hip and remove his antlers.
Baltimore Ravens star Ray Lewis was accused of using banned deer antler extract on an injury. It’s a popular aphrodisiac in China. When they first showed Bambi in a Shanghai movie theater, the middle-aged guys cried more at the end of the movie than the little girls.
The Americans airs on FX about a married Soviet spy couple living in a suburban D.C. house during the Reagan Era. It’s far-fetched. The FBI agent living next door doesn’t get suspicious when Jane Fonda, Warren Beatty and Sean Penn attend the housewarming party.
Baltimore Raven Joe Flacco apologized for saying that holding a Super Bowl in a cold weather site was retarded. The players union jumped down his throat. They explained to him that there’s a lot more money in it for everybody if they use the term brain-damaged.
Toyota paid out $2 billion to settle sudden acceleration lawsuits last week. Next for repair is their minivan’s rear-door spare tire holder that breaks open. It’s bad enough the Toyotas could run you off the road, now the spare parts are chasing you down the street.
The FBI raided the South Florida office of the eye doctor who is accused of providing underage hookers for Sen. Bob Menendez in Puerto Rico. It’s a foolproof cover. The senator’s new defense is that his pupils were dilated and he couldn’t tell how old they were.
Psychology Journal says people eat more junk food and gain weight in hard economic times. So Michelle Obama’s healthy foods initiative and Barack Obama’s economic policy are at war with one another. She says he’s sabotaging her and he says she’s tattling on him.
Ralph’s grocery store chain in Los Angeles quit using plastic bags Sunday because no one recycles them as recommended. It’s a local problem. A lot of people recycle plastic nowadays, except in Beverly Hills, where recycling plastic means re-marrying your ex-wife.
Sen. John Kerry was confirmed as Secretary of State by a vote of the U.S. Senate on Tuesday. He married Heinz heiress Teresa shortly after her husband John Heinz died in a plane crash. Anyone with reflexes that fast is the the guy we want protecting U.S. interests.
The White House signed a deal with the African nation of Niger to open a drone base from which to attack al-Qaeda bases in the jungle. It’s a hot and humid theater of war that’s unfamiliar to most Americans. Africa is like Houston except it has fewer black people.
Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe said his treasury is down to $200. He seized the property of white landowners and gave it to cronies and now the country is bankrupt. Mitt Romney says he’s a fine fellow and that they just have a difference of opinion.
Pope Benedict addressed thousands in Vatican Square from his balcony Sunday where he released a dove of peace. The dove was promptly attacked by a vicious seagull overhead. This proves that those seagulls trained by Dick Cheney live at least five years.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.1.13

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