Argus 2.15.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Carnival Cruise liner Triumph had a fire in the engine room off Mexico that knocked out all electricity on the ship. The food went rancid and the sewage backed up. It defeats the whole idea of taking a cruise to Mexco when you can drive there and get the same effect.
The Atlanta Braves said Tuesday they will stop displaying the screaming Indian logo because they say it denigrates American Indians. No solution is ever perfect. They will replace it with a logo of an Asian Indian giving tech support to a white guy over the phone.
Rap star Chris Brown crashed his Porsche in an alley behind Good Shepherd Church in Beverly Hills Monday. The police arrived and found the Porsche smashed to pieces. The cops checked his record on the computer and then asked him if he was dating the car.
Los Angeles fugitive cop killer Chris Dorner died in a fiery shootout in a cabin in Big Bear Friday. The week-long manhunt for the former cop had L.A. cops reaching for their guns whenever they saw a tall black guy. It’s an act of God that the Lakers were on the road.
The San Bernardino police surrounded cop killer Chris Dornan in a cabin in Big Bear and burned it to the ground. Everyone agreed he had it coming. The San Bernardino police are largely Protestants but that doesn’t keep them from celebrating Ash Wednesday.
Huffington Post quoted anti-L.A. police leftists who said Chris Dorner was murdered by cops who set fire to the cabin to kill him intentionally. Proper protocols have been maintained. Identification of his body is being delayed until his next of kindling is notified.
California’s Oxnard High School suspended four kids for wearing U.S. flag bandanas and chanting USA at a game. They were cited for being culturally insensitive. The kids said they didn’t do anything wrong, and when they said it in English it doubled the penalty.
The Auto Club reports that gasoline prices reached an all-time high for the month of February. It’s just a temporary supply problem. The U.S. produces 40 percent of the world’s oil, but we’ve only invaded 12 percent of the world’s oil-producing nations.
National Geographic geologists said Monday Asia will ram into America in a hundred million years and form one big continent. It gave Democrats a brand-new argument. What’s the point in paying off the national debt if China is going to repossess us anyway?
President Obama in his State of the Union speech called for more U.S. money to battle global poverty. He said many people in the world are forced to live on as little as one dollar a day. So it’s official, the president sends his brother in Kenya 30 bucks a month.
President Obama proposed $160 billion in added spending to create new middle class jobs. The middle class work ethic is history in some cities. In California everyone thinks the best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment.
President Obama used his State of the Union speech to propose $160 billion in federal spending for new programs. He said the programs won’t cost taxpayers a dime. Bernie Madoff was kept out of the U.S. Capitol building during the State of the Union speech so that in case of catastrophe we would have continuity of government.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.15.13

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