Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS  — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House released a video of President Obama extending his Valentine’s Day greetings Thursday. It shows the president saying that if you haven’t met that someone special, he hopes you’ll meet that someone special soon. Of course, he is talking to a drone.
Pope Benedict’s resignation Tuesday led to forecasts that Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana could be the first black pope. It’s controversial. His name wasn’t out there for one day and already Donald Trump is claiming his birth cerificate says he was born a Methodist.
Carnival Cruise liner Triumph landed in Alabama after being stranded for days with rancid food and and overflowing sewage everywhere. The passengers had clearly had it. This is the last time they ever sign up for a cruise with Howard Stern and his radio crew.
Oklahoma police discovered a methamphetamine lab inside a Porta-Potty on a golf course outside the town of Purcell on Thursday. The police said they have one suspect. He signed his golf card and turned it in after completing nine holes in twenty-three minutes.
Pope Benedict told thousands of people in St. Peters Square Friday that he’s stepping down for the good of the church. It was a huge relief. Normally if you put a German in a balcony speaking to an adoring crowd below, you’re lucky to get out without a world war.
The Vatican disclosed Friday that Pope Benedict struck his head on a wooden beam in a hotel room during a trip to Mexico. It’s widely believed that he suffered a serious head injury. President Obama said if he had a son he’s not sure if he’d allow him to be pope.
President Obama took a three-day vacation in Palm Beach Friday. Critics said it’s the height of the season when hotel rooms are most expensive for his security entourage. We’ve gotten to the point where one third of the federal budget deficit is just his green fees.
U.S. Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee addressed the House Thursday and identified herself as a freed slave. That makes her a hundred and sixty. It’s the same kind of math the Democrats used in promoting the health care bill to explain how it would save money.
Senator Marco Rubio took a sip out of a bottle of water during his speech in response to Obama’s State of the Union Tuesday. He was nervous under the glare of hot lights. Democrats are happy to have water poured down his throat but they prefer a drone strike.
Senator Rand Paul threatened to hold John Brennan’s nomination for CIA Director Thursday over the use of drone missile attacks on U.S. citizens. He asked Brennan if drones could be used on Americans in America and Brennan wouldn’t answer. Coincidentally, the San Bernardino Sheriffs are still puzzled over how that fire started in the cabin at Big Bear.
CBS News said injured racehorses are being auctioned in California to meat brokers in China. The horses are shot full of performance-enhancing drugs. Chinese runners could switch to an all-hamburger diet and break the Olympic record for the mile by two minutes.
The Nixon Library opened an exhibit about how Richard Nixon coached Bill Clinton when he first became president. They got along great. Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton agreed on much despite their radically different philosophies on how to screw the country.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.18.13

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