Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Carnival Cruise liner Triumph landed in Mobile Thursday with sewage overflowing everywhere. What a mess. Carnival Cruises explained they had no idea Gallagher had moved on from smashing watermelons to clubbing low-flush toilets when they booked him.
Russia was struck by a meteor Thursday that was televised descending from the sky and exploding over the tundra. It caused a minor earthquake. The meteor didn’t dare land in the United States, because the meteor knows we have a president who skeet shoots.
Russians aimed their camera phones at the sky to catch the meteor steaking towards them Thursday. It expoded over a Ural Mountain city emitting shock waves that injured hundreds. Everybody just laughed it off as another attempt by North Korea to attack Japan.
North Korean refugees reported that the Hermit Kingdom is facing another famine crisis. Last week the Pyongyang government ordered all its college students to leave school and work on farms for ten months. It gives the U.S. a chance to catch up academically.
NASA said an asteroid the size of a football field whizzed by the earth Friday. It missed our planet by seventeen thousand miles. President Obama said this is no time for the U.S. to be without a Secretary of Defense and demanded that the Senate confirm Chuck Hagel.
Condi Rice revealed plans to play in the Masters Pro-Am at Augusta in April as a club member. There’s nothing she can’t do. At the AT&T Pro-Am, Condi Rice hit a spectator in the head with a tee shot, showing that she has what it takes to be a Republican president.
Warren Buffett bought Heinz, paying twenty-eight billion for the food company that makes beans, Ore-Ida fries and Weight Watchers entrees. That’s diversity. No matter which side of your New Year’s resolution you are on, it is money in Warren Buffett’s pocket.
British clothing store Topshop and Topman opened a store in Los Angeles Thursday, drawing ten thousand people to stand in line. It replaced a Banana Republic. So good luck to Argentina if they think the U.S. is going to support their claim to the Falkland Islands.
USA Today reports U.S. immigration police angered Mexicans by planning to increase the expulsions of illegal immigrants who have criminal records. You can understand their anger. They had no idea it was a crime when they bought all those guns from the FBI.
South Africa’s double amputee Olympic running star Oscar Pistorius was charged with murdering his supermodel girlfriend in Johannesburg. It’s a media sensation. Up until now, he’s been sponsored by Nike and Oakley, but now he’s a natural fit for Florida O.J.
Nancy Pelosi said Friday she opposes a congressional pay cut because a pay cut will undermine the dignity of the job. It’s just like clockwork. It only takes two years after an Anthony Weiner scandal before House Members are bragging about their dignity again.
Oil man Boone Pickens’s portrait was hung in the Oklahoma state capitol building in Oklahoma City. There was some confusion. When MSNBC heard they were hanging an oil man in Oklahoma, they thought the green movement was finally starting to gain traction.
Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln was favored by oddsmakers to win the Best Acting Oscars next month. Meanwhile Killing Lincoln premiered on Nat Geo on Sunday while Saving Lincoln opened in movie theaters. Of the three movies, only one is doing well in the South.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.19.13

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