HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Washington’s birthday is celebrated today honoring the nation’s first president and leader of the rebel Continental Army in the Revolutionary War. He was a rich Southern guy with a pony tail who grew hemp. In England this day is celebrated as Willie Nelson Day.
Tiger Woods addressed reporters at Tucson’s Accenture Match Play Championships Tuesday to discuss his golf date with President Obama. He said the president has a nice touch and an excellent aim. Obviously Tiger’s never seen President Obama’s drone strikes.
Magic Johnson said Jeannie Buss should run the Los Angeles Lakers after Jerry Buss died Monday. The Buss family taught the world that sports is show business. No one who fails a drug test can play for the L.A. Lakers but no one who passes one can sit courtside.
The London Mail reports frozen food sales are down 20 percent in Britain since horsemeat was found in meat entrees. It’s okay now. Horsemeat lovers were consoled by the fact that even with regular beef, Swanson’s Beef Stroganoff still tastes like glue.
John Kerry gave his first speech as Secretary of State Wednesday and declared that Congress is a bigger threat to the U.S. than China. They have to scapegoat somebody for this economy. Jewish people feel a lot safer hearing that Republicans are the new Jews.
China was accused by U.S. defense experts Monday of hacking into Pentagon computers and stealing sensitive information. This could backfire badly on Beijing. If they find a copy of the defense budget and steal it they’ll be out of money by the middle of next week.
Joe Biden spoke against assault weapons Tuesday and advised women to go outside and fire two shots from a double barreled shotgun to scare off intruders. He’s so wise. Once an intruder knows your gun is empty he’ll gladly go home and leave you alone, ladies.
Jesse Jackson Jr. pleaded guilty to campaign finance fraud while serving as a member of Congress Tuesday. He stole a fortune from his campaign fund. Chicago politicians always wear pin-striped suits so that when they go to jail they don’t have to change clothes.
A South African judge heard bail arguments on Olympic star Oscar Pistorius Monday after he pleaded not guilty to murdering his girlfriend. He’ll be okay. If history is any guide, the next step after being a prisoner in South Africa is being president of South Africa.
John McCain was heckled at an Arizona townhall Monday on immigration reform. He urged Congress to work quickly on immigration reform. Of course, if Americans wanted Congress to work quickly, we would have elected immigrants from in front of Home Depot.
Discovery Channel premiered Weed Country about the marijuana industry in states where it’s legal. The feds are trying to arrest the growers who claim states’ rights. It’s taken 160 years, but hippies at Berkeley finally see South Carolina’s point.
Hillary Clinton signed with the Harry Walker speakers agency, which guaranteed her 200 grand a speech. It’s the same they charge organizations to book their client Bill Clinton. Ten percent of the fee goes to the agent for arranging the speech and 10 percent goes to the special prosecutors for teaching Bill and Hillary to tell great stories.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.22.13