HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Daniel Day Lewis arrived at the Oscars Sunday favored to win Best Actor for playing Lincoln. Californians can’t understand why John Wilkes Booth killed him. The nearest telegraph was across the street so we know Lincoln wasn’t texting during the performance.
George Washington’s Birthday was celebrated Friday with a costume party at Mount Vernon. What a leader. George Washington remains popular today because he’s the only president in U.S. history who didn’t blame his problems on the previous administration.
Google asked women to consumer-test their new augmented-reality eyeglassses last week. They have a tiny camera that records everything you see and stores it on your iPhone. This invention could go down in history as the polio vaccine for unwanted sexual advances.
Gangster Squad’s Josh Brolin and actress Diane Lane filed for divorce. He went into the marriage with his emotional baggage and she went into the marriage with her emotional baggage. When Hollywood people fall in love it’s like two dump trucks colliding.
Oscar Pistorius made bail Friday after killing his girlfriend. He says he accidentally shot her through the bathroom door thinking she was a burglar. The alibi is so bad that Apartheid is now the second most embarrassing thing South Africa’s had to live down.
TV coverage of the Oscar Pistorius killing of Reeva Steenkamp drew huge ratings in the U.S. She was a blonde model and a law school graduate. The Republicans love any celebrity crime, while the Democrats enjoy it as the vicarious killing of a Fox News anchor.
Newark Airport TSA found cocaine in a guy’s luggage tucked inside women’s panties in a Victoria’s Secret gift bag. He must have been from L.A. This is what people give each other for Valentine’s Day in Los Angeles because everybody’s off sugar and they think flower stems feel pain.
The Vatican ripped the media for trying to sway the papal elections this month. The liberals want the cardinals to elect a black guy from Ghana and the conservatives want the cardinals to elect an Italian. Joe Biden urged the liberals to go after the women voters.
Israel’s president Shimon Peres will give Barack Obama Israel’s Medal of Distinction in March. It’s for financing Israel’s anti-missile system called the Iron Dome. It worked so well against Hezbollah missiles he is urging the NFL to adopt the technology for helmets.
President Obama warned of the looming automatic sequester cuts on Tuesday. He said they will slice the military, sink first responders and drive working families into poverty. You could tell by the verbs he used that he’s still back on the golf course with Tiger.
Michelle Obama made two commercials with Sesame Street’s Big Bird Friday in the White House kitchen to promote healthy eating. She had his full cooperation. Big Bird is anxious for you to know you’re not the only one whose life is shortened by fried chicken.
The Pentagon and NASA revealed Friday they spent thirty-six million dollars to build a transportation blimp. The timing was perfect. Leisure tourists would rather ride the Hindenburg than flush a toilet on a Carnival Cruise and have to live with the consequences.
Pete Rose appealed to Major League Baseball and Topps to restore references to his hitting records on baseball cards. He’s in for a long wait. No one in the league office could respond because they were too busy filling out their March Madness brackets.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.26.13