Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
Daniel Day Lewis won the Oscar for Best Actor for Lincoln Sunday. However, Lincoln lost in the voting for Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Script, Best Director and Best Picture. All in all it was the second worst night Lincoln’s had in a theater.
The Hollywood Fire Department reported that during the Oscar telecast on Sunday a water pipe burst in the ladies’ restroom backstage. The flooding upset a lot of people. The stars did not mind ruining their rented shoes, but when cocaine gets wet it evaporates.
Michelle Obama was a surprise presenter at the Oscars Sunday and handed the Best Picture Oscar to Argo. It’s a true story of a successful rescue mission of State Department people trapped in a besieged embassy in the Muslim world. Those who cannot do, present.
Michelle Obama appeared on a huge jumbo screen above the stage to award the Best Picture Sunday. It was eerie. Watching a political figure’s image towering over a public event made it look like Los Angeles had surrendered to North Korea during the commercial break.
The Oscars telecast drew a billion viewers to Hollywood Sunday. The results opened eyes. The fact that Django Unchained won for Best script while Lincoln was snubbed for Best Picture indicates that Hollywood, when the voting is secret, is fifty-fifty on slavery.
President Obama warned the nation’s governors meeting in Washington D.C. Monday that the sequester cuts would cripple all government functions. He is not kidding. The cuts are so drastic they force President Obama to play nine holes a day instead of eighteen.
President Obama unveils a statue of civil rights legend Rosa Parks at the U.S. Capitol for helping to end segregation. She changed the world for the better. Just think, if South Africa still practiced apartheid it would be a crime to liken Oscar Pistorius to O.J. Simpson.
New England quarterback Tom Brady took a pay cut from twenty million dollars per year to nine million. It’s sad. You knew these head injuries would eventually result in owners colluding with agents to convince the veteran players that nine’s more than twenty.
Southern California lifeguards reported high beach attendance over the weekend by people watching Great White sharks pass by. It’s dangerous. One surfer lost an arm and a leg at Malibu just by filling up his van at the Chevron station on Pacific Coast Highway.
President Obama’s group, Organizing for America, is selling office meetings with him for half a mllion dollars. You get to pick his brain. Half a million is cheap compared to the money you make if you take his advice and select Indiana, Gonzaga, Florida and Kansas.
University Of Maryland researchers completed a new study detailing the differences between men’s and women’s brains. They discovered a chemical inside women’s brains that cause them to talk three times more than men talk. The chemical is called a margarita.
Colorado lawmakers repealed a hundred-year-old state law that makes it a crime for married people to commit adultery Friday. That’s a relief. The old law came to light six months ago and ever since they haven’t been able to recruit anyone to run for public office.
The White House chided the press Monday for not talking more about the economic successes under the Obama administration. That’s because it’s a little embarrassing. Southern cotton farmers are enjoying the highest prices since the Civil War and oil is through the roof, and this is not how the Democrats drew up the play on the chalkboard.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.27.13

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