Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
GOP former governor Jeb Bush hinted in an NBC interview Sunday he might run for president in three years. Both parties are tired of holding elections. The Democrats want Obama to be the president forever and the Republicans want a hereditary monarchy.
Queen Elizabeth rested in a London hospital after getting gastroenteritis Sunday. What a fearless leader. During World War II, Queen Elizabeth drove an ambulance in the streets during the bombing of London and today she’s eating out during a horsemeat scare.
The Baltimore Ravens signed quarterback Joe Flacco to the richest player contract in NFL history Friday. He agreed to a six-year deal for one hundred and twenty million dollars. He admitted it is a hard number for him to fathom, even before the brain damage.
President Obama signed the sequestration cuts into law which cut the rate of future spending by two percent but didn’t cut any current spending at all. It’s an interesting approach to cutting the budget deficit. It’s like trying to lose weight by eating slightly more.
The White House retreated Sunday and said sequester cuts won’t be as bad as they’d warned. How could things be worse? After one day Queen Elizabeth was in the hospital, the pope is out of a job, and America’s only defense against North Korea is Dennis Rodman.
The U.S. Navy announced Monday it’ll stop halting drug shipments headed for the U.S. due to the sequestration cuts. The day before, the IRS said it’ll lay off collection agents. They’re going to have to do better than this if they want Americans to agree to higher taxes.
The FAA reported no major flight delays Monday as the threatened apocalypse from budget cuts never happened. They may have scared everybody away from traveling. It was so slow at L.A. Airport that TSA agents were gripping grapefruits just to stay in practice.
The World Cup built one percent of Rio’s stadium seats for fat people next year. It’s only necessary for the first couple of rounds. The U.S. team never gets as far as the semi-finals so there won’t be any American fans to accommodate past the second round.
White House press secretary Jay Carney denied Monday that donors can meet with President Obama for five hundred grand. He said any notion that there is a set price to meet with the president is just wrong. In other words, no reasonable offer will be refused.
Italy’s government considered defaulting on its bond debts Monday and going off the Euro. International bankers are fleeing. As we just learned in Florida, you know a sinkhole is serious when the rescue workers will only spend two minutes looking for you.
Joe Biden flew to Alabama to host a brunch Saturday commemorating the fiftieth anniversary of the famous civil rights march into Selma. The elderly civil rights veterans at the commemoration had to laugh. If there’s anything whiter than Joe Biden, it’s a brunch.
Castel Gandolfo in Italy was the first stop for former Pope Benedict when he retired last week. He plans to stay mobile. He has a helicopter pilot’s license but luckily not a marriage license, when means he can ascend to heaven without first descending into hell.
Homeland Security officials celebrated the agency’s tenth birthday on Monday. They wound up having a break-even day. They detained a young bearded Arab man who unsuccessfully tried to sneak into the United States and they freed two thousand Mexicans who succeeded.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.6.13

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