Argus 3.8.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dennis Rodman went on North Korean TV Sunday to urge closer ties between North Korea and the United States. The State Department is simply furious. President Obama may have to visit North Korea just to prove to them that all black men don’t have pink hair.
The TSA spent $50 million on new uniforms on Monday before the sequester budget cuts could stop them. It’s exasperating.The TSA just okayed knives on airplanes because they know another terrorist attack’s the only way they will get their funding back.
Venezuela’s vice president Nicolas Maduro accused the CIA of secretly giving cancer to Hugo Chavez Tuesday. It’s a victory for Western capitalism. There should be a warning label on all drill rigs stating that nationalizing U.S. and British oil companies causes cancer.
Congressman Lou Gohmert wrote a bill to de-fund President Obama’s golf outings to help balance the budget. It’s the wrong approach. If President Obama had to use a coin-operated golf ball dispenser at every water hazard, we’d balance the budget in two weeks.
The White House shut down all public tours Monday due to budget cuts. This could cripple tourism. Seeing the White House is listed as the second biggest reason for going to Washington, the top reason being to ask what’s taking so long to get their refund checks.
Princeton University researchers reported Sunday that falling in love and having sex makes you smarter. You know the rest. Falling out of love and having no sex makes you stupid, but the royalties from the country music song you write about it will make you rich.
Bob Hope’s longtime home in Palm Springs was put on sale Thursday for $50 million. The great comedian passed away nine years ago at the age of 101. He moved to America when he was 4 years old because England already had a king.
The Los Angeles election Tuesday gave voters a choice of electing their first female mayor, their first Jewish mayor or their first gay mayor. The GOP candidate was the gay guy. L.A. has moved so far to the left that the Village People are now the Republicans.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa hinted Sunday he might run for president. Last month he was seen partying with Charlie Sheen in Mexico. No one can understand why the most highly-respected public figure in Los Angeles would be seen partying with the mayor.
Texas scientists discovered why the Hindenberg exploded over New Jersey in 1937. It was electrical static hitting the hydrogen through grounding ropes. Just to be safe, it’s been a superstition ever since never to display a swastika on a blimp anywhere near New York.
Jeb Bush appeared on NBC’s Meet the Press Sunday and hinted that he might run for president next election. The motivation is there. His dad was president, his brother was president, and he is sick and tired of having to sit at the card table every Thanksgiving.
Swiss guards caught one imposter dressed as a cardinal who tried to get into Vatican City. He’d wandered over from a spring break party. His robe wasn’t long enough, his purple sash was a scarf, and the crucifix around his neck had a shot glass hanging from it.
President Obama invited GOP senators to dine with him Wednesday at the Jefferson Hotel in Washington to try to break the budget impasse. This is bad optics. The president and senators are eating steak and lobster at a four-star hotel restaurant while the rest of the country is hoping that the Taco Bell burrito they just ordered doesn’t buck them off.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 3.8.13

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