Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hollywood star Ashley Judd was reported set to run for the U.S. Senate in Kentucky as a Democrat next year. She has appeared nude in three movies and filmed one lesbian love scene. Usually it’s the nude photos that end your career in the U.S. Senate, not launch it.
Wall Street celebrated Tuesday as the Dow Jones hit the highest level in history. The brokers credit Obama. Wall Streeters still think President Obama is a capitalist-hating socialist bent on destroying free enterprise, but he is so bad at it, he’s the toast of the town.
Hugo Chavez was eulogized at his funeral as leader of a rich oil country Thursday. He also started a cocaine crop in his country to further his grander political goals. If you possess both gasoline and cocaine you can be elected Mayor of Los Angeles by acclamation.
North Korea threatened Friday to stage a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the West Coast of the United States. Experts say they may have built a nuclear bomb that could fit into a suitcase and be slipped into this country. The good news is, the airlines have lost it.
The NFL Players Association announced Friday it will host a seminar on gun use and gun laws at the NRA headquarters in Virginia. Is this a wise idea? How are the players going to know who is an intruder and who is an old girlfriend with all those head injuries?
The Griffith Observatory was packed Thursday with stargazers who wanted to watch the comet flash closely by the earth. There’s been unusual activity in the heavens this month. Afghans looking up in the sky never know if it’s a comet, a drone or a North Korean misfire.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg introduced a Facebook news feed Thursday. It allows everyone to publish their own personal newspaper. Media experts agree this could revolutionize the way people show pictures of themselves going to the dry cleaners.
John McCain called Rand Paul wacko for his filibuster against drones Friday. They’re both GOP. John’s jealous because Rand went thirteen hours without going to the bathroom, and McCain’s up six times a night and has a seat in the Senate that’s close to the door.
Queen Elizabeth hosted a Commonwealth Day ceremony in London. She’s recovered quickly from last week’s gastro-enteritis. The KGB once had to alter their assasination methods after they discovered that no poison can kill you if you are raised on English food.
The TSA exasperated travelers again with new rules Tuesday that allow knives and baseball bats onto airline flights. They’re just pandering to Democratic voters. They don’t want soccer fans to be inconvenienced when they are traveling from the game to the riot.
Bill Clinton wrote a piece Friday saying he’s changed his mind on same-sex marriage since he signed the Defense of Marriage Act as president. No one expects him to be consistent. To be fair, when Bill Clinton was president he was opposed to his own marriage.
President Obama enjoyed steak and potatoes with twelve GOP senators Wednesday at a highly-publicized dinner at the Jefferson Hotel’s four-star restaurant. Sometimes you feel for the guy. President Obama has to pretend that he’s a fair-minded leader who’s willing to seek bi-partisan solutions just to escape Michelle’s healthy menus for one night.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.12.13

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