HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Harvard scientists found a chemical in red wine that stops aging Sunday. You’d need seven hundred glasses of wine a day for it to work. This’s how they lived nine hundred years in the Old Testament and why they thought that burning bushes were talking to them.
The College of Cardinals began their papal conclave in the Sistine Chapel on Tuesday where the cardinals elect a pope. Everyone’s been vetted. The black smoke coming out of the chimney Monday had nothing to do with the new pope, they’re just burning evidence.
New York’s Cardinal Timothy Dolan drew cheers when he preached in Rome Sunday before the conclave. However, the church is really hesitant about electing a pope from America. Sinners don’t want drone aircraft verifying the completeness of their confessions.
U.S. News and World Report listed Daytona Beach as the top spring break destination for college kids. They need the breather. Spring break is the week when college students get a much needed break from binge drinking in Michigan and go binge drinking in Florida.
Daylight Savings Time went into effect Sunday, requiring everyone to set their clocks forward one hour in order to get an extra hour of light in the afternoon. On the second Sunday of every March we lose one hour of our lives. It is like nature’s version of Facebook.
The London Mail reports Beyonce and Adele will headline Michelle Obama’s fiftieth birthday bash. It’s next January. She had booked Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones, but under the sequestration cuts, she couldn’t have any performers who were on Medicare.
Seattle’s Five Point Saloon became the first bar to ban patrons from wearing Google Glasses. They record everything you look at and stream it online. The possibilities for the device are so enticing it’s sparking a movment to give Bill Clinton a third term in office.
The Moonlight Bunny Ranch is cashing tax refund checks for twice the total in Bunny Bucks that can be spent at the brothel. It won’t help the economy. The girls spend the cash on cheap jewelry from the Indians who have it manufactured in China and sell it as hand-made.
Southern California was hit by three earthquakes measuring over five points on the Richter Scale Monday, centered in Palm Springs. It was likely man-made. All the U-Haul trucks swaying on the highway on the way out of California are causing the ground to rumba.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks was blocked from going into effect on Tuesday. Under the law, it would be illegal in New York to be in possession of a soft drink cup that is sixteen ounces or larger. If they catch you it’s a fifty-dollar fine, the same as murder.
Mitt Romney celebrated his sixty-fifth birthday Sunday. He earns fifteen million per year on his dividends and he’s now eligible for Social Security. Mitt didn’t tell us back when he was running for president that, win or lose, he is going to get a government check.
Greenpeace activists tried to halt Naval war games off California, claiming they harm sea life. The old hippies and the sailors may have more in common than they realize. Neither of them know where they’re going to spend the night once they reach the mainland.
North Korean leader Kim Jung Un vowed to destroy the United States Friday to honor the wishes of his father, Kim Jong-Il. The nation’s late dictator died last year. North Korean newspapers insist that Kim Jong Il didn’t die, they say he entered a sleeping contest.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenge 3.13.13