Argus 3.15.13

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Google Glasses were the talk of last week’s South by Southwest high tech convention in Austin. The spectacles allow you to stay online, tweet and record everything. The real selling point is a navigation system that warns you that you’ve just stepped out into traffic.
The House Black Caucus ripped President Obama for not helping black employment Sunday. In this White House, oil is up, cotton is up, Wall Street is up, and we’re almost at war in Korea. Obviously they are still having trouble getting Dick Cheney out of the carpet.
The NCAA tournament brackets took shape Saturday as conference champions were crowned nationwide. There are other entries. The teams that get in without winning conference titles are known as at-large selections, which are also available at Lane Bryant.
Walt Disney announced it’ll build a Disneyland in China that is authentically Disney and distinctively Chinese. It should be a big hit with the kids there. What kid wouldn’t welcome the chance to pay retail for the merchandise that he made in the factory all week?
Detroit’s former Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was found guilty of massive corruption in his trial in Michigan on Monday. The judge really threw the book at him. After a long and harsh lecture, he sentenced Kwame Kilpatrick to two more terms as mayor of Detroit.
Venezuela announced that Hugo Chavez’s body will be preserved and permanently displayed near the presidential palace. He’s not the first fascist dictator to be put under glass. One way to keep that hostile look on their faces is to preserve them with kosher salt.
Jeb Bush likened Washington media to crack addicts on Meet the Press Sunday. It’s a metaphor he enjoys bringing up. Crack cocaine was invented during the first President Bush’s term in office to give poor people an equal opportunity to network in Hollywood.
The L.A. County Tourism Board reports a record 41 million tourists visited Los Angeles last year. Four hundred thousand of them came from China. You can always tell the tourists from the people who live in Los Angeles because there’s two of them in the car.
Michelle Obama’s financial statements were hacked on Equifax this week along with the credit rating of other public figures. It’s revealing to see her personal checkbook. It turns out she’s $16 trillion in debt and that doesn’t count the last two vacations.
A Vatican Bank executive was implicated in a cash-laundering scandal Monday. They should have seen this coming. The culprit started out a few years ago as a teller making $8 an hour and in no time he was taking home $70,000 a month.
Billionaire Democrat George Soros got embroiled in suits and counter-suits Monday with a mistress who threw a lamp at him in bed. He’s 80 and she’s 27. At this level, there’s no such thing as sexual gratification till the lawyers are though with you.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.15.13

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