Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hostess Twinkies were rescued in bankruptcy auction Friday along with Ding Dongs and Dolly Madison cakes. They will be on stores shelves by summer. Americans were amazed that Pope Francis wasn’t in office for one day before he performed his first miracle.
Pope Francis reportedly impressed his fellow Cardinals in Rome with his devotion to a humble lifestyle. He gave up his house for a studio apartment, he gave up his car for the bus and he gave up all worldly possessions. It sounds like he’s the first pope to be divorced.
Rome newspapers say Pope Francis checked out of his hotel all by himself Thursday and took a bus to the Vatican. Hopefully it’s a sign of humility in a time of church strife. Time will tell if he paid his own hotel bill to show humility or to hide all the movie charges.
Pope Francis’s boyhood days at Catholic schools in Argentina were detailed in world newspapers last weekend. It was reported that the pope’s left lung was removed when he was only sixteen years old. Most nuns just make you sit in the hallway for talking in class.
President Obama flew to Chicago Friday to praise the Argonne Laboratory for its work on electric cars. It was a busy day for the president. Before leaving Washington D.C. he awarded the Purple Heart medal to a plumber who’d just returned from a Carnival Cruise.
New York City celebrated St. Patrick’s Day with a parade on Fifth Avenue on Saturday with two million people celebrating their Irish heritage. The parade was held a day early for religious reasons. It’s a mortal sin in the Catholic faith to vomit in the street on Sundays.
The NFL weighed a rule that bans ball carriers from lowering their heads when they run into the line. The logic is difficult to explain to running backs. You suffer a lot less from sudden decapitatation than from concussions, and the TV ratings are a lot better.
Philip Anschutz took personal control of his corporation’s efforts to get an NFL team in L.A. They would play in a new downtown stadium already approved by the state. The stadium will have a retractable roof which automatically closes if North Korea is attacking.
North Korea set off international alarm bells Friday when it launched a missile that landed offshore near Japan. No one saw it coming. The early morning attack took the Japanese completely by surprise, proving once again that what goes around comes around.
North Korea’s military was mobilized Thursday following Kim Jong Il’s tearing up of the treaty that ended the Korean War. The sabers are rattling. The next day, in a solemn ceremony, Kim Jung Un was promoted to North Korea’s highest military rank, five-foot-two.
Russia’s president Vladimir Putin announced he was bringing back the Soviet Union’s old physical fitness program for young people. It’s obvious why they want to raise the population’s physical endurance. In three years, it’s their turn to invade Afghanistan again.
The Bible mini-series on the History Channel continued to get huge ratings Sunday, drawing thirteen million viewers, even more than American Idol. Theologians aren’t surprised. It was not the first time that God has defeated idols in head-to-head competition.
The World According to Dick Cheney premiered on Showtime cable Friday featuring interviews with Dick Cheney, his friends and associates, and his critics. It’s an attempt by the former vice president to square the record. President Obama has been blaming everything on George Bush for five years, and Cheney is tired of Bush getting all the credit.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.19.13

Print