Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Starbucks alarmed the food and beverage world Tuesday by announcing it’s bought its first coffee bean farm in South America. They believe that this is the best way to get the best-quality coffee beans. The next day, Taco Bell annouced it will buy a horse farm.
Carnival Cruises had another generator outage Friday causing toilets to overflow on a ship for the third time. It’s nuts. Yesterday Somali pirates boarded a Carnival Cruise ship and felt so bad for all the passengers they gave them refunds out of their own pockets.
Tiger Woods announced on Facebook Tuesday that he and Olympic champion skier Lindsay Vonn are seeing one another. He looks so happy. It’s apparent that after three years of hard work on his issues that Tiger Woods has learned how to erase text messages.
President Obama met with Ireland’s prime minister and attended a St. Patrick’s Day lunch with U.S. lawmakers Tuesday. Ireland allows actors, comedians, writers of fiction and singers of songs to live there tax-free. So for everybody in Washington, Ireland is Plan B.
President Obama met leaders in Israel and West Bank and Jordan this week. Neither side is thrilled to see him. Due to President Obama’s tepid support, Israelis now have their own foreign policy and due to Obama’s drone program, the Arabs now celebrate Passover.
The Bible mini-series Sunday introduced the character of Satan who tempts Jesus in the wilderness. The devil is a dead ringer for Barack Obama. He tempted Jesus with an IRS audit if he didn’t stop infringing on the government’s exclusive right to heal people.
Baghdad marked the tenth annniversary of the war to overthrow Saddam Hussein Tuesday. In his palace bedroom we found scotch, a hot tub and condoms that glow in the dark. We found no weapons of mass destruction but we managed to overthrow Dean Martin.
The Weather Channel reported violent storms crossing the South Monday including a hailstorm that battered Mississippi. Authorities say two people were hit in the head by haseball-sized hail. After being taken to the hospital, the hail is in satisfactory condition.
March Madness arrived in full force Sunday as the sixty-four teams played their way into the NCAA basketball tourney. Over sixty billion will be bet on brackets. The whole idea of the NCAA tournament is to teach young people that there is more to life than poker.
Lindsay Lohan got sentenced to rehab in Beverly Hills Monday. What’s happened to America? Once we became okay with torturing terror suspects it was only a matter of time before we’d be dragging Lindsay Lohan into court the morning after St. Patrick’s Day.
Anthony Weiner was reported mulling a run for N.Y. Mayor Monday. He quit Congress after texting crotch photos of himself to women. The only reason Hillary has a chance of becoming president is because Bill didn’t have a cell phone camera when he was president.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg appealed a judge’s ruling against his ban on large sugary drinks in Manhattan. He’s restricted alcohol, cigarettes and even baby formula. Mayor Mike Bloomberg believes that life is like a box of chocolates, and you can’t have any.
New York’s Stop and Frisk policy came under political fire Monday that allows cops to pat down anyone on the street whom they think looks criminally suspicious. It’s racially charged fear that’s felt by everybody in town. Sometimes they need police dogs to tell which white guy is carrying a briefcase full of mortgage-backed securities and Apple stock.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.21.13

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