Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Formula One president Max Mosley was videotaped in an orgy with five hookers Monday in London. The girls were dressed like Nazi officers. Eliot Spitzer just offered his superdelegate vote to whichever candidate agrees to name him Ambassador to Britain.
Yale published a study Tues-day saying that overweight people are discriminated against. Only Mississippi bans discrimination against fat people. When they widened the school doors 40 years ago most people just assumed they were doing it for race.
The New York Yankees finally held the delayed opening day at Yankee Stadium on Tuesday. The economy is very shaky in the nation’s financial capital. The vendors were walking up and down the aisle selling peanuts, popcorn and foreclosed real estate.
Jose Canseco said he can prove Alex Rodriguez did steroids and dared anyone to call him a liar. He is right about everything so far. Jose Canseco is so credible that Al Gore is working night and day to get him to say global warming’s a real threat.
GOP presidential candidate John McCain said Tuesday he is beginning to compile a list of possible running mates. He described the process as still being in the embryonic stage. So that’s two guys this week who have announced that they are pregnant.
Hillary Clinton called for big changes in the nation’s health care system this week. What’s wrong with the current system? Even if you don’t have insurance you can still see a doctor, as long as you’re able to carry a golf bag for 18 holes.
Hillary Clinton admitted she was not fired upon by snipers in Bosnia 10 years ago as she’d claimed. The truth is harrowing enough. A Cessna once crashed into the White House just outside her bedroom window, so the president was never in any danger.
Bill Clinton complained to Democratic superdelegates meeting in San Francisco last week about the way cable news shows fawn over her opponent. Many people have grown tired of the media’s adoration of Barack Obama. It’s like Easter will never end.
Barack Obama said in an interview Wednesday he’s of two minds over whether the U.S. should participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. Nobody called him out for waffling. Cable news networks reported that Barack Obama is so smart he has two minds.
Barack Obama was asked in Pennsylvania Wednesday if he’ll hire Al Gore for his administration. He said he’d consider him for the cabinet or something even higher. Of course, Al Gore would never consider giving up the private sector to be First Lady.
The Pig Book was released by Citizens Against Government Waste on Tuesday, exposing pork spending by Congress. Voters are used to it. When most Americans see pictures of the Taj Mahal they just assume that Taj Mahal was Alaska’s first senator.
The Russian News Service reported Tuesday that Soviet Union dictator Josef Stalin’s longtime oil minister Nikolai Baibakov died in Moscow Monday at the age of ninety-seven. Dick Cheney’s going to go to the funeral. He wants to apply for the job.
The Port of Long Beach shut down on Tuesday when a cargo container had writing on it saying it contained anthrax. It was a hoax. It was the most annoying April Fool’s joke since President Bush told Americans he doesn’t believe in nation-building.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.4.08

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