HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Chicago Sun-Times reported Monday that Dick Cheney is Barack Obama’s ninth cousin. So he has a gay daughter and a black cousin. Who would have thought that the vice president who decides to get into the Democratic race at the last minute would be Dick Cheney?
The Gallup Poll showed Tuesday that Al Gore did not get a spike in support for a presidential run after he won the Nobel Peace Prize Friday. That makes sense. To fifty percent of Americans, Nobel Peace Prize is just another way of saying Tony Award.
Vladimir Putin disregarded an assassination plot against him in Iran on Monday and paid a state visit to Tehran the next day. He wasn’t afraid at all. You can’t become the president of Russia unless you have the antidote to every poison ever made.
Ana’s Story by the president’s daughter Jenna Bush was published Thursday. The children’s book is getting great publicity. President Bush even promised to read it out loud to grade schoolers during the next terrorist attack on the United States.
President Bush angered China by meeting the Dalai Lama Tuesday, because the monk is a Tibetan separatist. The president’s done everything possible to maintain good relations with China. He even bit off the head of his GI Joe doll to show it was safe.
Senator Larry Craig complained on NBC News Tuesday that Mitt Romney threw him under the bus when his bathroom arrest became public. The presidential candidate shouldn’t have been afraid to stand by him. It’s sitting next to him that’s dangerous.
The Gallup Poll released Tuesday indicates that the presidential race is still up for grabs. The voters sound a bit disgruntled. In a match-up of the two most likely nominees, She’s No Bill Clinton has a three point lead over He’s No Ronald Reagan.
John Edwards denied tabloid reports Tuesday he has been having an extramarital affair with a former campaign staffer. He denies cheating on Elizabeth. John Edwards knows perfectly well that if he wants to win the nomination, he has to cheat on Hillary.
GOP candidates spent Tuesday attempting to out-do each other threatening Iran in an effort to court conservatives. Immigration is the only issue conservative voters care about. The Republican who wins the nomination won’t be the one who’s willing to go to war with Iran, he’ll be the one who’s willing to go to war with Mexico.
Libya was selected for a two-year seat on the U.N. Security Council Tuesday along with communist Vietnam. It’s in lieu of damages. The United States had to allow them on the Security Council when they wouldn’t accept casino licenses as reparations.
DEA agents arrested eighteen New York airport workers on Tuesday for smuggling cocaine into America on Delta flights. They got away with it for years. It wasn’t until the nose of one of the planes started bleeding that anybody suspected anything.
National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell revealed Monday that London is under consideration to be the host city for a future Super Bowl. The players were cool to the idea. It’s no fun driving on the left side of the road if it’s legal.
The Los Angeles City Council voted last week to allow the homeless to sleep anywhere in the city and not just Skid Row. The rest of the metropolitan area is unaffected. There is no Skid Row in Beverly Hills, the winos stay at the Thunderbird Country Club.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com. Published in The Messenger 10.18.07