Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dick Cheney threatened to attack Iran in a speech Sunday. One thing’s sure. If the New York building inspectors had known that the World Trade Center was going to cause three endless ground wars, they would have required a backup sprinkler system.
The Boston Red Sox host the Colorado Rockies tonight at Fenway Park to start the World Series. They’re worried about low ratings. The television executives at Fox Network are sweating bullets this week, but it was their choice to live in Malibu.
San Diego County was declared a disaster area Monday when brushfires fueled by high winds left two hundred and fifty thousand evacuees trapped. Residents didn’t have any place to run. It was a mistake to build that border wall without a fire exit.
Georgia’s Governor Sonny Perdue asked the federal government Sunday to declare his state a disaster due to the severe drought, because the state is almost out of water. This situation is desperate. Southern Baptists are being forced to dunk people in gin.
Walt Disney Company was hired by the White House to make a short film praising America to foreigners. It will run on airport video screens. The White House is hoping the Iraq War will be a lot more popular when it’s rechristened Pirates of the Persian Gulf.
The Poker Players Alliance lobbied Congress Monday to overturn the federal ban on Internet poker. There’s nothing sinful about it. The Queen of Diamonds and the Queen of Hearts are the only two women on the Internet with their blouses buttoned up.
The CIA began studying Las Vegas surveillance techniques Monday to help uncover terrorists. You don’t need high tech to spot terrorists in Vegas. You just watch to see who heckles Wayne Newton during his salute to the troops, then you waterboard them.
President Bush asked Congress Tuesday for forty-six billion additional dollars for the war. Both Afghanistan and Iraq have become quagmires, but he’s undaunted. President Bush was raised to believe that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try Iran.
Dick Cheney told a group of Virginians Sunday that Iran poses a nuclear threat to the United States and to the Middle East. He threatened grave consequences. The Virginians gave the vice president some candy and pointed him to the next front porch.
President Bush gave three hundred million dollars to Mongolia Monday. It’s from a fund Congress gave him to promote democracy. The three hundred million dollars will allow Mongolia to buy enough guns so they can choose their own form of government.
The New York Times editorial board blasted Democrats Monday for their unwillingness to stand up to President Bush. The Republicans need a peacemaker and they’re about to nominate Giuliani, and Democrats need a spine and they’re about to nominate a Clinton. Unstable air like that could cause the worst hurricane season in fifty years.
NASA surveyed airline pilots to learn the number of near-collisions in the air every day. The pilots want it kept secret. If they release the number of near-collisions in the air every day it will just be more ammunition for Mothers Against Drunk Flying.
Inside the Actors’ Studio host James Lipton revealed Monday he worked as a pimp, setting up hookers with clients, while living in Paris as a young man. No one in Hollywood was surprised to hear it. Once an acting teacher, always an acting teacher.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.24.07