Argus Hamilton 1.1.10
Posted: Friday, January 1, 2010 8:01 pm
LA JOLLA — Happy New Year, everybody, and God bless America.
Enjoy part two of our look back at things that made us laugh in 2009.
JULY — Pope Benedict lectured President Obama on reproductive rights Friday. The pope opposes birth control and abortion and stem cell research. He used to be opposed to surrogate mothers until he decided it was too much paperwork to excommunicate Mary.
Walter Cronkite’s funeral was held at St. Bartholomew’s Church Thursday. It was very traditional. In the Episcopal liturgy the funeral service ends with a hymn, which is followed by a benediction, which is followed by a golf tournament with prizes.
AUGUST — Joan Rivers was honored with a celebrity roast on Comedy Central Sunday that was vicious, personal and devastating. She looked delighted. When Joan signed up for President Obama’s end-of-life-counseling, she didn’t know she was going to get dinner.
Bill Clinton flew to North Korea and negotiated the release of two young women charged with spying Friday. The young women flew home to Burbank yesterday. The plane was met on the runway by Al Gore who negotiated their release from Bill Clinton.
SEPTEMBER — Tea Party protesters marched on the U.S. Capitol by the thousands Saturday where they protested bailouts, health reform and deficits. They want limited government, low taxes and liberty. Pigeons landed on them thinking they were the Founding Fathers.
Hawaiians rallied in Honolulu Tuesday demanding independence from the U.S. They maintain that the annexation of Hawaii was an act of U.S. and British imperialism which must be avenged. Maybe now everyone will believe that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii.
OCTOBER — Rio de Janeiro was selected Tuesday to host the Summer Olympics in seven years despite President Obama’s lobbying for Chicago. The committee had to go to the tie-breaker. Both cities are corrupt and sports-crazed, but Rio won because it is topless.
President Obama lobbied Congress hard to pass health care reform Thursday. The public option won’t make it. His big applause line used to be that health care should be universal in a country as rich as America, then a year ago it started getting laughs.
NOVEMBER — Senate Democrats and Republicans battled over their competing views of health care reform Monday. Democrats approach health care the same way the Amish go hunting, they sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it. Republican health care is like one of those hospital gowns that ties in the back, you only think you’re covered.
President Obama was greeted in Beijing by members of the ruling cabinet when he landed in China Friday. He’s been president for ten months, it’s about time he met with the owners. He was there to visit our money and try to negotiate its release.
DECEMBER — President Obama’s poll numbers continued sliding Tuesday over angry opposition to health care reform, climate change rules and deficits. It’s getting personal. Texas auto repair shops have begun giving out Nobel Peace Prizes with each oil change.
USA Today did a geographical survey of Tiger Woods’s 15 mistresses Friday and found that most of them live in Las Vegas. Five of them told the tabloids about their affairs with him. It turns out the only thing that stays in Vegas is O.J. Simpson.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 1.1.10