Posted: Tuesday, March 30, 2010 8:01 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama paid a surprise visit to Afghanistan to visit U.S. troops Sunday after he forced the passage of health care reform. These soldiers volunteered just in time. Now when Uncle Sam points his finger at you, he’s wearing a latex glove.
Caterpillar warned of layoffs Thursday saying health care reform is increasing its costs. How’d this happen? The difference between Bush and Obama is that when Obama seizes a country it takes longer for the water and electricity to be turned off.
Californians collected enough signatures Thursday to put the legalization of marijuana to a fall vote. They’ve been trying to get this done for a decade. You would think there would be an easier way to lure the NBA All-Star Game to Los Angeles.
Major League Baseball released its fall schedule Tuesday with the World Series ending in early November. Did they forget last winter? When the winning runs come sprinting home to the plate in Game Seven, Sarah Palin’s husband could be driving them.
Advertising Age said Tuesday the NCAA tournament will draw a half billion dollars in ad revenue. It’s money well spent. Polls say basketball is the world’s second favorite indoor sport, but the other one’s got more spectators on the Internet.
San Diego police rounded up dozens of wild horses who came in out of the hills Thursday. The horses didn’t stop until they were roped by California Highway Patrol officers. It’s a skill they’ve developed after six months on the road catching Toyotas.
Fidel Castro praised President Obama as a miracle worker for passing health care reform Friday but added that President Obama is a capitalist-imperialist. What a wordsmith. Leave it to Castro to issue a statement which makes both Democrats and Republicans proud of President Obama.
CBS News ran a poll Wednesday showing that sixty-two percent of Americans want Republicans to continue fighting against health care reform. What a turnaround for the party. When Republicans were fighting for freedom in Iraq, who needed them, but now that they’re fighting for freedom in the United States they’re kind of useful.
Somali pirates were shot and killed by an oil tanker crew in self-defense last week, sparking protests from the human rights crowd. The pirates need to wait for things to cool off. Right now each ship is equipped with a rifle and an opponent of health care reform.
GOP House Minority Whip Eric Cantor said Thursday somebody shot out the window of his campaign office. No one thinks the shooting was done by health care reform advocates. When a Jewish guy’s window gets broken, put your money on the Nazis.
Sea World suppressed a video of last month’s whale attack on a trainer in court Tuesday. These whales are excitable. Last week a sperm whale attacked a submarine off Catalina Island, and now every time the sub fires a torpedo, he passes out cigars.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates issued new rules Wednesday making it tougher to be tossed from the Army for being gay. This is a gay-friendly administration. The health care reform law has more mandates than intermission at a Liza Minnelli concert.
The Real Face of Jesus airs on the History Channel Tuesday. It employs encoded blood from the shroud of Turin to reconstruct Jesus’s face using computer imaging. The picture they released of Jesus makes him look half Jewish, which explains his mother’s side, and half English, which Episcopalians say explains his Father’s side.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 3.30.10