Wear clothes (Please)
By Lisa Smartt
Posted: Wednesday, June 23, 2010 8:01 pm
I know it’s time for swimming and other outdoor fun. But before you race to the pool or water park, here’s a newsflash: I really don’t wanna see your belly button. I don’t wanna see your belly button if you weigh 400 pounds. I don’t wanna see your belly button if you weigh 100 pounds. There are just parts of the average American human that I don’t wanna see unless we ran off to Vegas and got married last night. SO, unless I married you, I’ll pass on seeing your belly button and other crevices beyond description.
My boys and I recently went to one of those huge water parks. Such fun in the sun! It was also a bizarre experience in human behavior. My, oh my. People completely forgot their clothes and with the absence of clothes, came the absence of their common sense. I saw things that shouldn’t be seen in the light of day. By the end of the day, I felt like I had married half of Indiana.
Now some of you may be thinking I’m a bit of a wacko. Let me assure you I’m not. I know. I know. People who ARE wacko always assure people that they’re NOT wacko. Nevertheless, in my humble opinion, here’s the deal when it comes to water park and swimming pool clothing etiquette. I have no problem with the average one-piece bathing suit. I have no problem with shorts or tank tops. I don’t even have a problem with a fat hairy man wearing a swim suit with no t-shirt (as long as it’s not a Speedo). I’m all about tolerance in the area of bodily imperfections. SO, whether you’re school-glue-white and chubby or whether you’re tan and toned, in my book, you are equally welcome to come to the water park and enjoy a day in the sun. What did you say? Oh, what’s my feeling on men who have a lot of hair on their backs? Again, I take a broad-minded view of tolerance and openness. Hairy-backed men or women with a lot of cellulite or children with dirty finger nails are all to be treated with kindness at the water park.
But here’s where the rubber meets the road, people. Wear decent clothing. Stop and think before you leave the house. Look in the mirror and ask yourself a few pivotal questions. Are ALL bodily crevices covered and or contained by this swim suit? When I jump in the water will all bodily crevices REMAIN covered and or contained by this swim suit? Whether you weigh 400 or 100, you shouldn’t be the center of attention. Are you wearing something that makes everyone drop their drink and say, “Lawsy, I’m glad my granny isn’t here to see THAT.” Yeah. Might want to re-consider being an offense to the grannies of the world. I know. Some people like being the center of attention. They need to get over themselves and give the rest of us a visual break.
In summary, don’t show me your belly button. Don’t wear a swim suit that’s too small. Men, you should never wear a Speedo. Yes, I said never. What? You say you work out two hours a day and you’re 22 years old? Yeah. Still no Speedo. Sorry. Women, save the visual display for your honeymoon. Leave some things to the imagination. Never forget the “no crevices” rule. OK. My work here is done. Happy summer!
For more information about Lisa Smartt, visit her website lisasmartt.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.23.10