Argus Hamilton
Posted: Wednesday, October 27, 2010 8:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The San Francisco Giants play the Texas Rangers in the World Series tonight, pitting Nancy Pelosi’s town against George W. Bush’s town. Picture that bet. If the Giants win then gay marriage is legal in Texas, and if the Rangers win then Texaco gets to drill in McCovey Cove.
Brett Favre admitted Sunday he texted the N.Y. Jets hostess, but he denied sending her lewd photos of himself. He’s the NFL’s leading role model for young adult males. NFL advertisers believe that the more marriages they can break up, the more beer they will sell.
The NFL clamped down on defensive players who deliver hits to the head of ball carriers. The owners don’t like to incite the blood lust of the crowd. Once they start cheering bone-rattling hits during a recession it’s a short next step to overthrowing the owner’s box.
Lindsay Lohan was allowed by a judge Friday to stay at Betty Ford’s rather than be returned to jail. She reportedly loves the rehab. Lindsay never got to go to college and date fraternity boys her age, and now she has them all to herself for twenty-eight days.
Homeland Security unveiled its new street van Monday that wields a radar scope which can see bombs hidden in cars. It can also see through clothes. Once pot is legal and you can see everybody naked it’s a sure sign that the Vietnam War is about to end.
GOP House Minority Leader John Boehner predicted Monday that the GOP will take back Congress and deal with the bad economy. Someone needs to fix the thing. In the last two years fifty million Americans have had to switch brokers, from stock to pawn.
Jerry Brown opened up a big lead in the California governor’s race Monday. He’s running ads reminding voters he’s a known quantity while admitting he can be quirky. Only Jerry Brown could govern a state where they legalize pot and outlaw plastic bags.
Al Gore arrived in California Monday to campaign against a ballot measure that reduces spending on the environment. The issue is receding, to his dismay. Al Gore is so unpopular in Florida this year that Republicans won’t even need to use the crooked voting machines.
President Obama drew a huge crowd to his Los Angeles rally Friday. Many stars were seated onstage behind him. The president reminded the crowd that under him a Hispanic woman has become a judge on the highest court in the land, and Jennifer Lopez stood and took a bow.
President Obama’s bipartisan Debt Reduction Commission meets Friday. If they try to end personal deductions it’ll never pass Congress. Most politicians in Washington D.C. use the standard mistress deduction, as opposed to Bill Clinton, who has to itemize.
President Obama backed Rhode Island GOP candidate Lincoln Chafee, whose ancestors arrived on the Mayflower. Now that’s a cross-endorsement. You cross a Democrat with a Pilgrim, you get a God-fearing tax collector who gives thanks every day for what other people have.
Britain’s Got Talent breakout star Susan Boyle canceled her appearance on Dancing with the Stars last week. Since she became famous, there’s been a big drop in suicide bombings worldwide. Apparently a lot of the terrorists didn’t realize what a virgin looks like.
President Obama will honor Gandhi when he visits India in two weeks. Gandhi always said that having no material possessions gave him special spiritual powers. What he proved was that if your government goes too deeply into debt, your empire can be overthrown by a homeless guy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.27.10